A: It’s tough being outnumbered four to one. There are some things you can do to regain the upper hand.

To start, children don’t do as good a job as adults, especially when it comes to cleaning up. So, first, think through what the standard should be for each child’s chore. Then, see if there are things you can do to help each child do a good job. For example, if they have to make their beds, a bottom sheet and a duvet are much easier than a bottom sheet, top sheet and blanket. Light-weight mesh or plastic containers are easier to move around when cleaning up toys.

Then, after you have thought through each chore, hold a family meeting and explain the standards they will be held to. In addition, explain the timeline for each child’s chore. Rather than nagging about needing to do the work, explain and put on a chart when the task must be done by. For example, setting the table for dinner must be done by 6:00 PM. Give the child whose responsibility this is one reminder, say at 5:45. This would give that child enough time to do the task without rushing. Your 12 year old can have the most leeway in timing. Your 7 and 5 year old need shorter time frames to keep them on task. Most 3 year olds work best as part of a team, working with you or a sibling. Setting a timer might also be helpful. Some families have work times when everyone is doing their chores. For example, your children can be cleaning up and setting the table while you are fixing dinner. Or, everyone can work on clean-up projects Saturday morning.

Then, in the beginning at least, there should be a reward for doing the task or a consequence for not doing it. Younger children do best with a reward that comes soon after the task. So, for example, your 3 or 5 year old could earn an extra story or extra cuddle time just before bed on the days they did their chores. Your 7 year old can delay gratification and earn points toward a desired object or toy. Some 5 year olds also work well with a point reward system. Your 12 year old may be too old for points and respond better to earning privileges, like playing a video game. If the task is not done on time and properly, there is no video game playing that evening.

Related to cleaning up, the loss of a favored object when the area is not cleaned up can be effective. The object goes away for a set period and must be earned back, say by three consecutive days of doing the task. It’s best to use logical consequences. There should be some understandable link between the behavior and the loss.

When you announce the new standards and rules at a family meeting, expect a lot of testing for the first few weeks. However, if you stick to your plan, don’t nag, and reward or carry out the logical consequences, you will see a change in behavior.
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A: Your son could have seen someone slap another person outside your home, like in a store. Or, it could have been a spontaneous gesture that he has repeated because he got reaction from you. Your son is starting a normal developmental phase of exploring and testing limits.

The challenge for you is that this phase can be quite frustrating because, as part of the testing, children repeatedly do the things they aren’t supposed to and become provocative. That being said, it is important that you set a limit and forbid hitting.

The next time he makes a move to slap you, try to avoid the contact and immediately say in a sharp, stern voice, “NO. No hitting.” Then calmly proceed with what you have been doing. Many parents try to do a lot of explaining about why not to do the unwanted behavior. However, at 17 months, a short “NO. No hitting.” is more effective. You have quickly and simply announced the boundary he is not to cross. Don’t be surprised, though, if he immediately tries to slap you again as you resume the behavior he doesn’t want. If he tries to hit again, simply repeat, “I said no hitting.”

After your reprimand, it’s best to give him some control within the behavior you are continuing. For example, offer him a choice, such as, “You need to have a clean diaper. Do you want a diaper with ducks or bears on it?”

As your son gets older and more verbal, you can work with him to use words rather than hitting to express his feelings. But, for now, you are helping him understand the boundaries of acceptable behavior.
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A: A good therapist can outline a counseling plan at the end of the first, or intake, visit. In your case, this assessment would include what part of your daughter’s behavior is best addressed by her having someone to talk to (individual counseling); what part, if any, is a systems issue that requires family counseling; and what behavior is normal behavior for a teenager. In addition, you will want a counselor who has considerable experience working with adolescents. You can ask about the therapist’s experience with adolescent clients and whether a counseling plan is offered at the end of the intake session when you are contacting mental health professionals in your area. At the intake visit, the therapist will spend some time with your daughter alone as well as time with the two of you together. During her time alone, your daughter will get a feel for whether she is comfortable talking to the therapist. After the session, you and your daughter can go home and talk about whether she can work with this person. If not, she needs to explain why, such as the person is too old, or she would prefer talking to a person of the opposite gender. If you need to find someone else, you can use your daughter’s preferences to find one other professional. After the initial visit with that person, you can decide between the two counselors. Two should be enough; you don’t need to come up with a lot of alternatives. The teen years, even in the best of times, can be trying. Adolescents can be angry and non-communicative with their parents as they strive for autonomy. When there are family changes or divorce, the anger, sadness and numbness that is part of a grief response can magnify a teenager’s anger and troubling behavior. Getting support and advice from a mental health professional can be reassuring to a parent as well as a relief to the teenager who now has someone to confide in. You are wise to seek help for yourself and your daughter. | (view all answers to this question)