Parental Wisdom® by Tina Nocera » Self Esteem

You graduated, now what?

admin — Sun, 01 Jun 2014 15:49:48 +0000

“I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and advise them to do it.”

– Harry S. Truman 33rd President

If you are celebrating high school or college graduations this season, it probably feels like you just dropped them off at kindergarten, you blinked, and here you are.

College kids have to be pulled away from their cushy, carefree, totally unrealistic existence to the real world. Some have secured jobs, many have not, and a very small percentage will be lucky enough to do the work they love.

High school graduates are excited about prom, parties and the pressure being off. They’ll shop for their dorm rooms, connect with their roommates, and in late August kiss their weeping parents goodbye. For these kids, it’s an escape from the endless parade of adults asking three questions since the start of their junior year:

What colleges will you apply to
What major are you considering
What do you want to do for the rest of your life

With more career choices than ever before, it’s difficult for anyone to figure out, let alone a 16-year-old with limited life experience. As parents, we want our children to do what they love.

That is a tall order, which is why I started the Project Imagine!® seminar – to help kids and parents work together to answer the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

There are a few good things to call out about this webinar:

Since it is a webinar, you can participate from the comfort of your home
It opens the dialog for an honest discussion about choices
There is no single right answer, so it is not a test. Everything depends on the individual and what is important to them.
The ‘homework’ involves the child asking others about what they see. This is an eye opening and helpful discussion since the child is pleasantly surprised to hear what others (teachers, family, and friends) see as their strengths; great for their self-esteem.
The best part is that it becomes a new connection between parents and kids as you explore and learn about new careers together.

We tell our kids they can do anything they want to do. Let’s help them actually get there!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? “ -Marianne Williamson

To learn about the webinar, click here

To register, click here.

The summer is the best time for this!

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Follow me on Twitter

If everyone gets trophies then trophies become meaningless

admin — Sun, 10 Jun 2012 23:13:31 +0000

This time of year, there are many commencement speeches, in fact no fewer than 37,000 which is the number of high schools alone in the U.S.

But the speech by Wellesley High English teacher David McCullough Jr. is blunt and honest because he told students they “are not special.”

Here is a brief exerpt from his speech:

“Across the country no fewer than 3.2 million seniors are graduating about now from more than 37,000 high schools. That’s 37,000 valedictorians … 37,000 class presidents … 92,000 harmonizing altos … 340,000 swaggering jocks … 2,185,967 pairs of Uggs,” he said.

He added: “Even if you’re one in a million, on a planet of 6.8 billion that means there are nearly 7,000 people just like you.”

McCullough makes a statement on parents who overdo it in a modern society focused on collecting achievements. “You’ve been pampered, cosseted, doted upon, helmeted, bubble wrapped … feted and fawned over and called sweetie pie.” But he adds in a video on Wellesley Channel TV YouTube page, “You see, if everyone is special, then no one is. If everyone gets a trophy, trophies become meaningless. … We have of late, we Americans, to our detriment, come to love accolades more than genuine achievement.”

The point is that learning is wonderful, mistakes happen and experience makes you stronger. All time is borrowed so make the most of it. Work backwards as to how you would want people to talk about you in this short time we call life.

You Only Live Once, but as the speaker says, that doesn’t mean you have to get YOLO as a tattoo.

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Yes, you can be replaced

admin — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 19:59:08 +0000

Mother Nature has a very strange way of harming and protecting us at the same time. The devastating earthquake in Japan stole the headlines from Charlie Sheen.

I fought my instincts to give Mr. Sheen additional undeserved attention, but the magazine covers on the supermarket checkout line beckoned me to state an opinion.

Interesting that Mr. Sheen felt irreplaceable, which relates to a recent NY Times article by David Brooks on our overwhelming overconfidence.

Healthy self-esteem is a good thing to have, but we can’t all be ‘A’ players, students, workers, dancers, singers, etc. and we all certainly can’t be the winners we believe we are. The majority of people are average; hence the concept of average.

Cheer for your basketball player, applaud for your dancer, give confidence to your student, but more importantly, encourage them to be better for their sake of their own continuous improvement.

“The cemeteries of the world are full of indispensable men.”

– Charles de Gaulle

As you know, your families are the only people who find you irreplaceable.

The Sad Misuse of Self-Esteem by Dr. Jim Taylor

admin — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 14:23:53 +0000

The Sad Misuse of Self-esteem

Parental Wisdom® welcomes guest blogger Dr. Jim Taylor

Self-esteem is the most misunderstood and misused developmental factor of the past thirty years. Child-rearing experts in the early 1970s decided that all of the efforts of our society should be devoted to helping children build self-esteem. I couldn’t agree more. Children with high self-esteem have been found to perform better in school and sports, have better relationships, and have lower rates of problem behavior.

The Wrong Message About Self-Esteem

Unfortunately, these same experts told parents that the best way to develop self-esteem was to ensure that children always felt good about themselves. Parents were told to love and praise and reinforce and reward and encourage their children no matter what they did. Unfortunately, this approach created children who were selfish, spoiled, and entitled.

Parents were also led to believe that they had to be sure that their children never felt bad about themselves because it would hurt their self-esteem. So parents did everything they could to protect their children from anything that might create bad feelings. Parents didn’t scold their children when they misbehaved. Parents didn’t discipline their children when they didn’t give their best effort in school. In sum, parents didn’t hold their children accountable for their actions, particularly if they made mistakes or failed—“Gosh, that would just hurt my little one’s self-esteem!”

Schools and communities bought into this misguided attempt at building self-esteem by “protecting” children from feeling bad about themselves. For example, school grading systems were changed. I remember between sixth and seventh grade my middle school replaced F for failure with NI (Needs Improvement). God forbid I’d feel bad about myself for failing at something! Sports eliminated scoring, winners, and losers in the belief that losing would hurt children’s self-esteem. My four-year-old niece came home one day from a soccer tournament with a ribbon that said “#1-Winner” on it. When I asked her what she did to deserve such a wonderful prize, she said that everyone got one! Though Woody Allen once said that 90 percent of success is just showing up, it’s the last 10 percent—the part that requires hard work, discipline, patience, and perseverance—that true success is all about. Children are being led to believe that, like Woody Allen’s view, they can become successful and feel good about themselves just for showing up. But showing up is just not enough in today’s demanding society. By rewarding children just for showing up, they aren’t learning what it really takes to become successful and showing up definitely won’t build self-esteem.

The supposed benefit of this mentality is that children’s self-esteem is protected. If children aren’t responsible for all of the bad things that happen to them, then they can’t feel bad about themselves and their self-esteem won’t be hurt. This belief has been bolstered by the culture of victimization in which we live—“It’s not my fault, it’s not my kid’s fault. But someone has to be held responsible and we’re going to sue them.” In its poorly conceived attempt to protect children’s self-esteem, our society caused the very thing that it took such pains to prevent—children with low self-esteem, no sense of responsibility, and the emotional and behavioral problems that go with it.

Of course children need to feel loved and protected. This sense of security allows them to feel comfortable venturing out to explore their world. But we have gone way too far in protecting our children from life’s harsh realities. In fact, with this preoccupation with protecting our children, those so-called parenting experts neglected to tell parents about the other, equally important contributor to mature and healthy self-esteem.

The Missing Piece of Self-esteem

The second part of self-esteem that those parenting experts forgot to mention to parents is that children need to develop a sense of ownership of their actions, that their actions matter, that their actions have consequences; “If I do good things, good things happen, if I do bad things, bad things happen, and if I do nothing, nothing happens.” The antithesis of this approach is the spoiled child; whether they do good, bad, or nothing, they get what they want. Unfortunately, without this sense of ownership, children are thoroughly unprepared for the adulthood because in the real world our actions do have consequences.

This sense of ownership, and the self-esteem that accompanies it, is two sides of the same coin. If children don’t take ownership of their mistakes and failures, they can’t have ownership of their successes and achievements. And without that ownership, children can’t ever really feel good about themselves or experience the meaning, satisfaction, and joy of owning their efforts. Also, without the willingness to take ownership, children are truly victims; they’re powerless to change the bad things that might happen to them. With a sense of ownership, children learn that when things are not going well, they have the power to make changes in their lives for the better.

The goal is to raise children with both components of real self-esteem, in which they not only feel loved and valued, but also have that highly developed sense of ownership. Yes, they’re going to feel bad when they make mistakes and fail. But you want your children to feel bad when they screw up! How else are they going to learn what not to do and what they need to do to do better in the future? But, contrary to popular belief, these experiences will build, not hurt, their self-esteem. By allowing them to take ownership of their lives—achievements and missteps alike—your children gain the ability to change the bad experiences, and create and savor the good experiences.

Developing Real Self-esteem

Your challenge is to help your children understand how self-esteem develops. Much of your parenting should be devoted to helping your children develop this healthy self-esteem rather than the false self-esteem that is epidemic in our society. You must allow your children to experience this connection—both success and failure—in all areas of their lives, including school, sports, the performing arts, relationships, family responsibilities, and other activities. Your children’s essential need to have these experiences will require you to eschew the culture of victimization that pervades modern society. You must give your children the opportunity to develop real self-esteem so they can fully experience all aspects of life, including the failures and disappointments as well as the accomplishments and joys.

Recommendations for Building Self-esteem

Love them regardless of how they perform.
Give them opportunities to demonstrate their competence.
Focus on areas over which they have control (e.g., their efforts rather than results).
Encourage your children to take appropriate risks.
Allow your children to experience failure and then help them learn its essential lessons.
Set expectations for their behavior.
Demand accountability.
Have consequences for bad behavior.
Include them in decision making.

Simon is usally right

admin — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 13:20:52 +0000

In an earlier post, American Idol and Microwaves, I wrote about the rudeness, rejection and harsh criticism contestants face especially from Simon Cowell.

The truth is that I usually have the same opinion as Simon before I even hear what he has to say, and I have as much ability to judge as Ellen Degeneres.

The point of that post and why it is resurfacing is because despite what anyone says, you have to believe in yourself. I just read a quote from Lada Gaga which is part of her upcoming interview in Cosmopolitan magazine that is worth sharing:

“I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the f***ing deli without hearing or seeing me.’”

All I can say is – you go Gaga!

Too much reliance on my GPS

admin — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 23:35:01 +0000

I’ve been used to my GPS constantly correcting me and requesting that I make a legal U-turn when possible; but the other day it simply didn’t work. There I was, left to fend for myself.

Quite frankly I am directionally challenged, and not able to look at a map and figure out where I am or where I’m headed. At that point I realized how much dependency I put on the GPS, and now it failed me. In reality I failed myself by not having enough of a foundation to figure things out. I realized that without the GPS, I was lost.

There isn’t any difference in the world of parenting. Our job is to give our children a good foundation, but it’s the confidence they build in handling situations that creates one of life’s most important characteristics; self reliance. Much like me without the GPS, your children will be lost without self-reliance.

Think about how we teach children to ride a two-wheeler. You put the training wheels on and then kept loosening them up little by little until they are confident enough to take the ride without any training wheels at all.

p.s. Great hint – -when you’re running along side the bike, it’s a great idea for you to be in roller blades. It makes the job so much easier! Another tip is using the Wisper Bikes have a fantastic range of electric bicycles.

Here are some ways to make sure that you’re heading in the right direction in teaching self-reliance (no pun intended):

Let the kids make some decisions as early as possible. So what if they’re wearing stripes and polka-dots?
Demonstrate that you are always solving little problems and learning along the way. Aren’t you? After all, who figured out how to install the new TV?
Move from being ‘the all wise and powerful’ mom or dad to a coach. Tell them less about how they should do something, and instead raise questions they could answer for themselves. “Why do you think your friends responded that way?”
Be a great support system. They might need your encouragement to try again, or a little harder, or in taking a slightly different approach. If they come to you for permission to give up, don’t make it so easy for them.
Responsibilities are very important for building self reliance. Even with very young children, assign chores that make them part of a family that works together. For example, for a child as young as age 3, take digital pictures of them making their bed; 1) put the pillow in place, 2) smooth the sheets and lift the blankets, and 3) lift and smooth out the comforter. Laminate the pictures and put them near the bed so they can see how well they did.

Reminder – – We’re getting ready to test a newsletter that will be mailed to your home. In order to receive this newsletter, please be certain that you are registered as a Parental Wisdom® member with a full and complete mailing address.

If you’re just signed up with an email account, we won’t have your address so we can’t mail it to you. Here is the link to sign up, and don’t forget to share this with your friends.

Bed Canopies for Every Bedroom Style: From Minimalist to Boho Chic

admin — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 12:54:08 +0000

A bed canopy isn’t just a decorative piece; it’s a statement that adds charm, elegance, and a touch of personal style to any bedroom. Whether you’re aiming for a serene minimalist space or a vibrant boho retreat, a canopy can effortlessly transform your bedroom into a cozy sanctuary. In this guide, we’ll explore how to adapt bed canopies to various aesthetics, helping you find the perfect match for your design vision.
1. Minimalist Elegance: Less is More

In minimalist bedrooms, simplicity and functionality are key. To complement this aesthetic, choose a bed canopy that emphasizes clean lines and muted colors. Opt for sheer fabrics like gauze or chiffon in soft neutrals such as white, beige, or light grey.

Styling Tip: Go for a ceiling-mounted canopy that drapes elegantly around the bed without overpowering the room’s simplicity. Pair it with light wood or metal bed frames to maintain a sense of openness and tranquility. This subtle touch adds texture without disrupting the serene, uncluttered vibe.
2. Scandinavian Serenity: Cozy and Practical

Scandinavian design blends minimalism with coziness, focusing on natural elements and functionality. A canopy made of lightweight linen or cotton fits perfectly in this style, offering warmth and comfort without feeling heavy.

Styling Tip: Opt for soft, earthy tones like soft browns, whites, or pale blues. A canopy that wraps around the bed or hangs from a single central point above the bed creates a relaxed, inviting atmosphere. Pair it with wooden furniture and plush textiles to enhance the cozy, hygge-inspired feel.
3. Boho Chic: Free-Spirited and Eclectic

Boho chic bedrooms are all about mixing patterns, textures, and colors to create a laid-back yet stylish space. A bed canopy in this aesthetic can be as bold as your imagination. Think vibrant colors, intricate patterns, and playful designs.

Styling Tip: For an eclectic touch, choose a canopy with tassels, macramé, or fringe detailing in bold hues like burnt orange, deep teal, or mustard yellow. Drape it loosely over the bed or attach it to a four-poster frame for a whimsical, free-spirited look. Layer in colorful pillows, tapestries, and boho rugs to complete the vibe.
4. Modern Glam: Luxurious and Polished

If your bedroom is all about glamour, a luxurious bed canopy can be the perfect finishing touch. Opt for rich fabrics like velvet or satin in jewel tones such as emerald, sapphire, or deep plum.

Styling Tip: Go for a dramatic ceiling-to-floor canopy with a bold, structured design. Combine this with a tufted headboard, mirrored furniture, and metallic accents to create a sophisticated, high-end look. This type of canopy serves as a focal point, adding instant drama and luxury to the space.
5. Farmhouse Charm: Rustic and Inviting

Farmhouse-style bedrooms are warm and welcoming, with an emphasis on rustic charm and comfort. A simple, flowing bed canopy made of cotton or muslin complements this aesthetic beautifully.

Styling Tip: Choose neutral shades like cream, ivory, or soft blush to maintain the room’s cozy atmosphere. Mount the canopy on a wooden frame or let it drape loosely from the ceiling for a relaxed, country-chic vibe. Complete the look with distressed wood furniture, soft quilts, and vintage accents.
6. Industrial Chic: Urban and Edgy

For a more industrial look, a canopy can still find its place, adding softness to an otherwise edgy aesthetic. Choose materials that contrast the room’s raw elements, like sheer fabrics against exposed brick or metal frames.

Styling Tip: Keep the canopy simple with straight lines and neutral colors like charcoal or black. A metal four-poster bed frame with a canopy draped loosely over it adds just the right touch of warmth to an urban, industrial bedroom. Pair it with concrete floors and statement lighting to balance softness with ruggedness.
7. Eclectic Mix: Playful and Bold

Eclectic bedrooms embrace the mix-and-match approach, blending various styles, patterns, and textures. A canopy in an eclectic room should stand out, whether through bold colors, dramatic shapes, or unconventional materials.

Styling Tip: Go for a statement canopy in a contrasting color to your walls and bedding. Whether you choose bold prints, velvet fabrics, or an unexpected shape, ensure your canopy feels like a curated piece of the room’s overall design. Add quirky décor pieces and layered textiles to bring your eclectic vision to life.
Versatile Focal Points for Every Room

No matter your bedroom style, bed canopies are incredibly versatile and can adapt to almost any aesthetic. The key is in the choice of materials, colors, and design that align with the room’s overall theme. Whether you prefer minimalist sophistication, boho charm, or industrial edge, a crib canopy can serve as the perfect focal point, enhancing both style and comfort in your space.
Visual Inspiration

To help you visualize these ideas, imagine a minimalist bedroom with a sleek, white canopy draped effortlessly around a low-profile bed, or a boho chic room with a vibrant canopy full of textures and colors, creating an artistic focal point. Each style offers endless possibilities for incorporating a bed canopy that speaks to your personal taste while elevating the room’s aesthetic.

Ready to transform your bedroom? Let these tips inspire you to incorporate a stylish bed canopy that complements your unique design style in 2024. Whether you’re seeking subtle elegance or bold creativity, there’s a canopy out there to fit your vision perfectly.

Pee Pee Targets

admin — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 13:52:15 +0000

Pop quiz

Question: What do toilet training targets have to do with census data?

Answer: Everything.

We start early by giving our kids rewards for doing things they should do. We understood this sort of positive reinforcement encourages children to do the behaviors that we want them to do.

Ah! Therein lies the problem, the word behaviors. Are we raising children or seals?

Somewhere in this generation of parenting, we were told that giving children things to get them to do things was a good idea.

It is not. It is a terrible idea.

To make matters worse the concept of rewards for doing things you should do is creeping into all areas of our life.

School districts are rewarding children for grades by giving them monetary incentives. I was never in favor of giving kids money for good grades and now school districts are doing this.

I remember hosting a school clean up while PTO president as a way to have families connect with each other. A 4th grader, who had just swept the steps came over and told me, “I’m done, what do I get?” I replied, “The good feeling that comes with a job well done.” He was surprised that there wasn’t a ribbon or sticker or trophy.

Companies reward people for doing the job they are supposed to do. Isn’t a job an agreement to do certain tasks for a certain salary? If that is the case, then rewards only come into play when the job objectives are exceeded, not met.

More recently, the Census Bureau is looking at ways to increase the response rate, including the use of prizes as an incentive. The incentives can include winning an iPod, getting a Starbucks gift certificate or cash.

We have lost our minds. The reward for doing anything is intrinsic. The reward for your child getting good grades is about how he feels about working hard or even trying his best to get well deserved grades. The reward about peeing in the potty is that great feeling that comes with learning something new.

Whether the reward is stickers or candy or money please think about this. How and when will you wean them off the reward and simply get them to do the right thing?

After all, isn’t teaching our kids to do the right thing is a key objective of parenting?

You are beautiful!

admin — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 01:02:12 +0000

Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.
– Confucius (551 BC – 479 BC)

They called her Sunshine, the nickname given to Stephanie Kuleba, 18 because of her brightness, blond hair and personality. The South Florida teen died Saturday, about 24 hours after corrective breast plastic surgery. Gone are the hopes and dreams of a high school senior. All because of a reaction to anesthesia, proof that there’s no such thing as a simple procedure.

With all the things we need to tell our girls as they grow up, we need to let them know they are really beautiful.

Counter the myths of the beauty industry as few people can be a size 2. The beauty standards are too high for even the supermodels to follow, since most are photo-shopped.

Where does real beauty come from? Knowing who you are, and being happy with that.

Thank you Dove for reminding us of that. Please watch this [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JaH4y6ZjSfE ].
Love to hear your thoughts, please leave a comment.

Capitalizing on teachable moments

admin — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 10:00:30 +0000

A good reputation is more valuable than money.
– Publilius Syrus 100 BC Maxims

In the midst of our incredibly busy days, parents search for something called quality time. But time is time, and each week we are given exactly 10,080 minutes; no more, no less. Time is the great equalizer – it doesn’t matter how much or how little money you have.

How we spend that time is what matters. Interestingly, we often spend time in things we can document, quantify or measure, such as activities like sports, school, chores, and work. But what matters more are the things you can’t measure, such as the impact of teachable moments. We need to look at those opportunities as gifts and capitalize on them.

Thank you Former Governor Spitzer. Thank you for giving us the opportunity the explain to our children the difference between little and big mistakes. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to ask our children a simple but very important question,

“What do you think your reputation is worth?”

Since we are surrounded by popular culture, what used to be considered infamous is now immediately considered famous. We are in the parenting fight of our lives and need to find opportunities to reinforce our values despite the world’s perceptions of values imploding around us.

The young woman in the Spitzer case stands to make millions from the publicity. Again, discuss with your children what her reputation is really worth? A new show called Moment of Truth offers large money prizes for true answers. Unless you’ve lead a Mother Teresa-like existence, I would suggest not trading your reputation and family embarrassment for dollars.

Despite your best attempts, you can’t be around your children all the time, so the next best thing is to make sure they are thinking before they act. No doubt they will make mistakes, but have discussions that reinforce the values you want to instill so you can at least minimize that possibility. I know you think children sometimes don’t listen, but they do. After all, if we didn’t listen, how could you explain that when we grow up we all sound just like our mothers or fathers.

As you end your discussion, put this seed in your child’s head;

“Before you do something – think, would you be proud or embarrassed for us to learn about it?”

That will tell them all they need to know.