Children make your life important.

Erma Bombeck

Businesses use return on investment, or more commonly referred to as ROI, to evaluate the efficiency of an investment.  The return is based on tangible investments and benefits.  But how does one evaluate the benefits of someone as valuable as your mother?

Can you possibly imagine what your life would have been without her to teach you about life, to inspire you, encourage you, give you values, and do those hundreds of things every day that can easily be taken for granted?

If you had to hire a mom, the required skill set is overwhelming, and all first time moms come in to the role with no previous experience.  The job is 24/7, 365 for the rest of your life, and is often referred to as walking around with your heart outside your body.

As we celebrate Mother’s Day next week, let her put up her feet and give her a warm cup of coffee.  She deserves it!

To all you amazing moms out there, have a wonderful Mother’s Day!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

 “If we wish to rebuild our cities, we must first rebuild our neighborhoods.”  Harvey Milk

One of my best memories of growing up in Brooklyn was playing with dozens of kids on my block and having lots of very caring neighbors.  Everybody knew your name and your family.  Being part of that community felt like being covered in a warm blanket.

There has been an explosion of social media and online friends which may cause us to miss opportunities to know the people that are quite literally in our own backyard.

If you agree with this, you may want to celebrate neighbors’ day, April 27th by hanging a sign on your door, or perhaps a little bit more.  Go the extra step to know your neighbors by name, situation and to see if they might need a helping hand.  You could make it as simple as sharing names and emergency contacts, to planning a progressive dinner or a block party (my favorite)!

What we can learn from the tragic explosions this week in Boston and Waco is that we don’t need to wait to let our neighbors know we are here for each other.

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Steubenville Defense attorney Walter Madison plans to appeal the verdict in this case because he feels his client should not have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life, based on scientific evidence that would support the brain isn’t fully developed at age 16.

No kidding…Socrates and Plato could have told you that

The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as if they alone knew everything and what passes for wisdom with us is foolishness with them.’ So Socrates said, according to his student Plato.

Plato added, ‘What is happening to our young people? They disrespect their elders, they disobey their parents. They ignore the law. They riot in the streets inflamed with wild notions. Their morals are decaying. What is to become of them?

Neuroscientist Sarah Jayne Blakemore illustrates this finding in this TED talk.  She explains that research done in the past 15 years, possible as a result of advances in brain imaging technology, proves the adolescent brain development, specifically the prefrontal cortex, controls decision making, planning, inhibiting inappropriate behavior, and social interaction which helps to understand other people.  It isn’t developed until adolescents reach their twenties or even thirties.

Furthermore, synapses pruning takes place during adolescence where environment can have a profound impact on tissues that stay and connect and others that are pruned away.   The good news is that the brain is most adaptable during this period. The great philosophers tell us that it’s always been this way, so what is different today?   

Your child is on a world stage where mistakes and bad choices can be replayed, forever.

This is where we [parents] come in, and the bottom line is that due to social media and smart phones, raising teens has become exponentially more difficult.   Even with younger children with access to such ubiquitous technology, it’s as if you left your front door open, and strangers are pouring in talking to your children without your knowledge or supervision. 

Treat this situation as if your child had an illness; you would not be passive.   The information from Sarah Jayne Blakemore tells us you do have control over the outcome because you are the most important part of your adolescent’s environment.  Engage your children in a constant discussion on your rules and values; best done when given full attention and no one is checking messages.

What can you do right now?

1. Have frequent discussions with your children about choices, consequences and values
2. Know the passwords to all your children’s accounts, and read posts and text messages to make sure they are not a bully or being bullied
3. Be familiar with their ‘friends’ and make sure they are 16 as they say, and not 54

In a prior blog post, Sometimes you need to have an awkward conversation, I suggested that especially with teenagers, we trust but verify. 

Just to be clear; parenting was never meant to be a democracy. 

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

The easy choice is not having the awkward conversation; unless it matters.  An example is when your teenager is invited to a party. 

Trust, but verify is a good rule when dealing with teens.  Instruct your teen that they are to call you from the house phone when they get to a party.  This way you can verify they are there.   But you need to do one better; ask to speak to the parents. 

Here comes the awkward part which goes something like this:

Hi this is Johnny’s mom.  I just wanted to make sure that

A)        He was invited

B)        A parent was home

C)         There would be no alcohol

Don’t be surprised if there is awkward silence or harsh reply.  But that awkward conversation is much easier to take then the knock on your door at 2am letting you know your child is hurt or worse.

In this case, I would always opt for the awkward conversation.   For those readers with younger children, spoiler alert – parenting teens is really hard, like nailing jello to a tree!

Best wishes,

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.” — Mister Rogers

I drove on Rt. 95 North in Connecticut today and spotted a billboard that said, ‘Sandy Hook chooses love’.  Perhaps that is how we begin to recover, we choose love.  

The young students of Sandy Hook returned to school this week to familiar surroundings thanks to thoughtful community support. They lit up when they saw their desks, book bags, teachers and friends.   Children are wonderfully resilient and always looking for the good in people.  They look to love.

This holiday season, there was a deep sadness we felt for the victims’ families because we knew that it wasn’t just this Christmas they would be missing, but every Christmas, every birthday, every first day of school.  There is an emptiness that won’t end for the families.

We’re also filled with fear that this could happen anywhere to anyone.  When our children ask if they are safe, how do we honestly respond?  How do we confidently send them off to school?

I’ve thought about this a lot since the Sandy Hook Elementary school incident happened, and wondered how we could answer these questions for our children and our own peace of mind.

There are actually a few answers:

As Mr. Rogers suggests, look to the helpers.  Fortunately, the good people in the world are in the majority. Though this speaks to our outlook; having a good frame of mind isn’t enough.

We can make things better by influencing and insisting on the change that must happen such as: 

• Fewer guns, better screening and a ban on semi-automatic weapons. 
• The 113^th Congress just started their session. Why didn’t the previous Congress do something, and why didn’t we?
• See my blog post from July 2012 following the shooting in Aurora CO ‘Hugging your family is neither a strategy nor a solution.’ The concern is that 4 million member National Rifle Association will present strong opposition because they are a power lobby.  But if we believe in the power of numbers, it should comfort you to know there are 35 million parents in America.  Congress should be more afraid of parents then a gun lobby.  Make sure voice and vote are heard.
• When writing Congress, insist on better care for mental health.  You will note that it isn’t even a subject choice on the drop down menu, so you will have to write that in the body of your message.

Finally, do your best to raise good people so that we always have a growing supply of helpers.

If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do matters very much. – Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.  He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exists, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy.  Thank God! He lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.  -Francis Pharcellus Church, in an Editorial in the New York Sun, Sept. 21, 1897, responding to a letter from 8-year old Virginia O’Hanlon

How amazing it is to be Santa! 

• To only see the good in people have
• To know what brings delight to someone because you listened carefully
• To have a constant smile on your face
• To take incredible pride in your work
• To eat exactly what you want and still fit in your clothes

Here is hoping that you have a wonderful, memorable and safe Christmas!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

 Do not keep children to their studies by compulsion but by play. – Plato, Greek philosopher 427–347 BC

 When given the chance, children love to play.  

I’m not talking about playing video games or handing your child your iPhone so you could shop sort of play, but the real old fashioned kind of play where children actually connect with each other.   The kind of play you did as a child. 

As you shop this holiday season, please think about more than the instant gratification of your child ripping off the wrapping paper, and think about the value that toy will bring as you play with your child.  It truly is relationship building to play with children and they learn so many of life lessons through play.

Here is my attempt at the ABC’s of play:                       

Play is…

Active, adventures & art

Bonding, busy & boundless

Captivating, collaborative, & creative

Divine, delicious & development 

Energizing, emotional & engaging

Fun, freedom & familiarity

Games, gizmos & glory

Honest, healing & hilarious

Imaginative, inventive & inquisitive

Joining, jolly & jumping

Kinetic, kindergarten & know-how

Laughter, loud & listening

Making mistakes, music & magic

Natural, nimble & nonsense

Open, obvious & optimistic

Physical, peace & positive

Quests, quality & quid pro quo

Resourceful, respectful & revealing

Silly, social & skill building

Timeless, tactile & teaches

Unpredictable, ubiquitous & universal

Valuable, virtuous, & vocal

Wonder, whimsical & work

Xmas 

Youthful & yearlong

Zealous

 

Have fun, and please feel free to add your comments on play.

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

 

It’s been said that every cloud has a silver lining. That is true even with a storm as devastating as Hurricane Sandy. 

Sometimes it takes a loss for us to appreciate what we already have and what is really important; the safety of those we love and the simple comforts of home. 

This past week, families with no electricity found light in the darkness. Calm from the storm came in the form of uninterrupted time and doing things together like playing board games, cards, reading or telling stories by candlelight.  The game of life took on a very real form.

Many spent their time giving what little they could to those worse off.  I suppose for many Thanksgiving came a little early. 

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.   -John F. Kennedy

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

The air is crisp and the leaves will soon turn into the beautiful colors of fall. For me it’s time to plan our family holiday photo.

Parents with young children know the challenge is getting a photo where no one is squinting, looking away, or crying. My adult children have been asking for the past few years that we do away with our Christmas picture card sometime before their 40th birthday.

And they almost had me convinced.

That is until I read a terrific blog written by a mom who realized that although she took all the pictures, she wasn’t in them. While she was concerned about her own flaws, she realized as she looked at pictures of her own mom, she didn’t see flaws, but her mother’s face.

Parents, our pictures may not be perfect, but they are the moments we get to keep. If you are there to take the pictures, you can be in the pictures too.

After all, you are always beautiful to your children.

Have a wonderful week!

Tina Nocera, Founder
Parental Wisdom®

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” -Confucius

You made a promise to yourself this wouldn’t happen again this school year.  But you aren’t certain the kitchen counter is even there anymore because it is covered with school notes, art work, party invitations, doctor appointment reminders, permission notes, picture forms, meeting and club notices, junk mail, newspapers, and bills buried somewhere in piles. 

And its dinnertime and you have no idea what dinner is going to be.  At our house, it got so bad that I would leave my husband a note in case he came home first.  “No, we weren’t robbed; I actually left the place like this.” 

I am not going to get all Martha Stewart on you because it’s difficult to get to that degree of organization, but it can be better and in your control.  It begins with simplicity.

Here are a few tips that might help:

• When papers come in, they all go in one in-basket; go through them only one time.
• Create file folders numbered 1 to 31 and separate folders labeled Jan to Dec.  If papers have date such as party invitations, doctor appointments, bills that are due, etc. they do in the respective monthly folder. 
• If the due date is the current month, the papers are filed in the appropriate day folder; 1 to 31.  If you follow this process, you will never lose any papers.  
• Art work can be placed in pizza boxes or rolled up in cardboard paper towel rolls. You can also add other folders such as gift ideas, receipts, or others that apply to you and your family.
• Keys are always put in the same place, a key holder near the door.
• Kids each get a place for shoes, sports gear and a basket with their name.  If needed, have another basket for the stuff they are responsible for.
• They are in charge of emptying the baskets.  Nothing gets dumped on the floor.  For very young children, put their picture and name so they get started early and understand they are part of the household.
• Book bags are on hooks, and when the weather gets cooler, so are coats.  Position the hooks low enough for the kids to reach them.
• Purchase or create a mom calendar with a different spots for each family member.
• Now for meals… Ask each family member to write down their favorite meal ideas; do this each season.   Little kids can participate if you show them pictures of healthy foods.

Since each family member contributes to the chaos, they should contribute to crafting a solution to better organization.  What ideas can you share?

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®