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Three Simple Ways to Stop Bullying

Monday, October 31st, 2011

“Promise me you’ll always remember…you’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.” Christopher Robin to Pooh

Was it so much easier a generation ago to be a kid?

You probably didn’t think so at the time if you suffered much the same taunts and teases as kids do today.  The difference between then and now is that we could go home, close the door, and find people who loved you, even with your own fair share of sibling battles.

Today, there is no where to hide.  Bullies find you everywhere, at all times, and if online; forever.  But imagine if bullying were approached like a drug problem, where both supply and demand is simultaneously approached. Navigate to https://jnlawoffices.com/child-abuse/ site for the details about child abuse attorney.

Here are three simple ideas that you can put into effect right now:

  1. Let your child know he/she is loved unconditionally by everyone in your household and more in terms of extended family.  See the wonderful quote above by Christopher Robin that says it all!
  2. Arm your children with a powerful weapon to neutralize the bully.  Bill Cosby’s The Meanest Thing to Say has empowered many four- to eight-year-olds to resist the schoolyard bully. Cosby encourages young readers to respond to taunts simply by saying, “So?” instead of giving away their true feelings or responding aggressively. While “So?” will not always disarm a bully, it is one terrific tool for children to put into their social-skills toolbox.
  3. Here is a very effective exercise.  Draw a line in the room and have everyone stand on one side.  Now ask anyone who has ever been bullied to step over the line.  You will find that (just about) everyone steps over which in itself is a powerful emotion.  What this does is recognize the bully has also been bullied.  With schools facing budget cuts and at the same time required to present anti-bullying programs, there is a wonderful, free program offered by the folks at Operation Respect.

Effects of cyber bullying

Cyber bullying affects people from any age or walk of life, including children, teens and adults who all feel very distressed and alone when being bullied online.  Cyber bullying can make you feel totally overwhelmed which can result in many feeling embarrassed that they are going through such a devastating time, and not knowing what support is available to them.  Many children feel unable to confide in an adult because they feel ashamed and wonder whether they will be judged, told to ignore it or close their account which they might not want to do, only 1 in 10 victims will inform a parent or trusted adult of their abuse

For many cyber bullying affects their everyday lives and is a constant source of distress and worry.  With mobile technology being so freely available it is an ongoing issue and one that is relentless.  Not only does it go on after school, college or work has finished, but it then carries through into the next day and the cycle continues.  It has been well documented that cyber bullying has resulted in tragic events including suicide, and self-harm and clearly, more needs to be done in order to protect vulnerable children and adults from online bullying.

If you are worried that your child or a loved one might be the victim of cyber bullying here are some signs to look out for:-

  • Low self-esteem
  • Withdrawal from family and spending a lot of time alone
  • Reluctance to let parents or other family members anywhere near their mobiles, laptops etc
  • Finding excuses to stay away from school or work including school refusal
  • Friends disappearing or being excluded from social events
  • Losing weight or changing appearance to try and fit in
  • Fresh marks on the skin that could indicate self-harm and dressing differently such as wearing long sleeved clothes in the summer to hide any marks
  • A change in personality i.e. anger, depression, crying, withdrawn

What can you do to support someone who is being bullied online?

  • Reinforce that no one deserves to be treated in this way and that they have done nothing wrong
  • Ensure that they know that there is help available to them
  • Encourage them to talk to a teacher that they trust so they feel they have somewhere safe at school to go to
  • Encourage them to talk to their parents/carers and if this isn’t possible to write a letter or speak to another family member
  • Take screen shots of the cyber bullying so that they have proof this is happening
  • Report all abuse to the relevant social media networks by clicking on the “report abuse” button,
  • Keep a diary so they have somewhere safe and private to write down their innermost thoughts and feelings which will help to avoid feelings bottling up
  • Give praise for being so brave and talking things through which will hopefully empower them to take responsibility and get help
  • Sending abuse by email or posting it into a web board can be harassment and if this has happened make a complaint to the police who can trace IP addresses etc
  • Ask the school if they have a School Liaison Police Officer that can help in this situation and talk to the school about the dangers and effects

Recent statistics show that

  • 20% of children and young people indicate fear of cyber bullies made them reluctant to go to school
  • 5% reported self-harm
  • 3% reported an attempt of suicide as a direct result of cyber bullying
  • Young people are found to be twice as likely to be bullied on FB as any other social networking site.
  • 28% of young people have reported incidents of cyber bullying on Twitter
  • 26% of young people have reported incidents of cyber bullying on Ask.fm

 

What support and help is available

We know that cyber bullying can have devastating impacts on some children and young adults, especially when they feel there is no let up from the abuse.  So what help is available if you feel your child might be in danger of self harming or having suicidal thoughts?

Keep the school involved and put things in writing so you have a formal record of what has been going on.  Ask the school if there is any pastoral support your child can access.

If your child has started to self-harm talk to your GP and a professional organisation who will be able to give you some much needed support such as Harmless or The National Self Harm Network Forum.

Remember that you are important too so it’s crucial that you are taking good care of yourself.  The more relaxed you are feeling the better able you will be to support your child.

If you are worried that your child is having suicidal thoughts seek some medical advice from your GP. Young Minds is a national charity committed to improving the emotional and mental wellbeing of all children and young adults under the age of 25. They have a parents’ helpline where you can talk your situation through with a trained adviser.

But it’s not just children, Family Lives understands that cyber bullying affects adults too. We know that cyber bullying can also have a devastating impact on adults and can make you feel extremely isolated.  It is very easy to post malicious and hurtful posts on social media sites as there is very little moderation and posts can go “live” before they can be reported.  This can leave people feeling very vulnerable and at a loss as to what they can do.

So what can adults do if they are the victims of cyber bullying

  • Report the abuse to the relevant social media site
  • Take screen shots of the abuse so you have a record even if the posts are removed
  • Involve the police if you feel nothing is being done to stop this bullying
  • If the cyber bullying is done by work colleagues, involve your HR Department so they are aware of what is going on, and give them copies of the screenshots.  Ask them to put this on your personnel file.
  • Get some legal advice if you feel this is appropriate as cyber bullying might be deemed as harassment.  Some solicitors offer a free initial consultation so make use of this.
  • You have the option of blocking the people that are cyber bullying you but this obviously doesn’t stop it from continuing.  However, if it saves you from having to see the abuse and improves your emotional wellbeing it is definitely worth considering.
  • Find out more about how to deal with cyber bullying

We know it can take time for reported posts to be removed from social media sites and this only adds to the distress that users feel.  Knowing that a post is “live” and nothing has been done to remove it can leave people feeling extremely stressed so it is important that people know what they can do.  Having someone to talk to is crucial and can be a real lifesaver.

There is no hurt as difficult as when our children hurt.  Hopefully, this little band-aid can help make it go away.

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera

Founder, Parental Wisdom®

 

Posted in Bullying, Raising children, Relationships, Uncategorized | No Comments »

You can create joy

Sunday, June 26th, 2011

Joy is not in things; it is in us. – Richard Wagner

For the past few years I’ve written about hits and misses where we get to create our own joy.  It is all around us if we are smart enough to recognize opportunities to treasure.

Misses

  • Parents, grandparents and kids out to dinner but instead of sharing conversation, laughter and stories from their grandparents, the kids play handheld games while the adults talk.
  • The dad at the farmer’s market not taking advantage of the opportunity to engage his nine-year old in discussions around the colors, textures, cultures, menus, and health benefits of fruits and vegetables.  The boy is too busy texting.
  • The mom in the stands at the little league game who misses her daughter’s line drive because she really wasn’t present.

 Hits

  • The overworked dad who opens the door at the end of the day greeted by squealing toddlers who tackle him to the ground attacking him with kisses and hugs.
  • The young woman celebrating her sweet 16 who talks about the ‘girl’ times she spent with her mom, and the moments of laughter and dancing around the kitchen she shares with her dad, as she calls them up to light her very first candle.
  • The grandparents who carefully plan ‘grancamp’ every year in a cabin with no cable TV or internet access, but rather a lake stocked with fish and a family room full of board games.

Here is homework I assign to parents at the conclusion of seminars: ask your children to share their very best memory.  I doubt it will ever be something you bought them, or an expensive vacation, but rather the silly little things you did with them.

Creating joy is that simple and inexpensive.  The summer is a great time to relax the rules, toss the schedule and really have fun.  You can expect to hear a lot more on this topic. Sign up for Twitter updates on how to have fun with the kids all summer long. 

Today’s assignment: go find joy!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Joy, Raising children, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Raising kids that actually like each other

Sunday, May 15th, 2011

Mother’s Day is over and Father’s Day is up next.   

Moms like a spa day while dads prefer the couch, remote and watching the game.  Though parents are wired differently, there is one gift both would love – for their children to get along. 

Our children’s petty arguments put us in the role of referee.  We have to remember the last call made as they wait for the call on the current play.  In our kids’ world, that’s a clear indication of the favorite child.  

Understand that every child is meant to be an only child. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am one of six kids and love my brothers and sisters.  Better said, I love them now, but not necessarily when I was growing up.   

We have more than one child because we have so much love for our first child that we want more.  But imagine if your spouse comes home and says, “Honey, I love you so much, I want another spouse.”  Wait – that’s already a reality show!  Kidding aside, our children want our love and attention all to themselves – no sharing. 

Here is something that I guarantee works if you want your children to get along.

This idea may exist in different forms or slight variations, but if you do this you can stop all the accounting that comes with parenting, whether it’s the movie pick or choosing the story that gets read at bedtime.  It works so well, that when my kids were in high school, the teachers would ask me what we did that got my kids to be so nice to each other.

Our parenting instincts kick in when you sense something is not right.  Knowing what you don’t know is important, and fortunately you can visit Parental Wisdom® to help sort through it all.  One of those instinctive moments for me was when Michael was three and Noelle was nineteen months old.  As the older child Michael was more verbal and as a result, got his way more often.  I realized that could have been the start of the favorite child syndrome.  So I went to the calendar and wrote M (for Michael) on that day, and N (for Noelle) on the next day and did that for the rest of the month, and child of the day was born.  It didn’t matter if it was a birthday, or holiday, we always looked to the calendar to see who was the child of the day when a choice had to be made.

Child of the day is a system of responsibilities and rewards. 

Responsibilities are those in addition to a child’s chores, and the rewards are the choices a parent makes a dozen times a day which (appear to) favor one child over the next.   The kids would go right to the calendar; it was a decision that I didn’t have to make.   No more umpire stripes; I would shrug my shoulders and just follow the objective result.  It took me out of the game.

We finally stopped child of the day when they were in their late teens.  I knew it worked because I asked them separately, “who do you think is the favorite?”   They each said, “Me!”

I’m thinking of taking this to the Middle East. 

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Raising children, Siblings, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Today our reality is on TV and our friendships are virtual

Monday, October 25th, 2010


Curious…if necessity is the mother of invention, did social networking come about because we inhibited our children’s ability to make friends?

Think about it…

We were told we were bad mothers if our children played outside; after all they could be abducted.  So they played inside and were entertained by AAA Satellite TV and the plenty of channels and videos which brought the rise of electronic toys.

We were scorned if our children walked to school for the same reason. We arranged playdates so our children could play with the children of parents that were like us.

When children came over to play, they only knew how to play electronically, so that’s what they did.  There was little experience grabbing a ball and playing outside, or getting friends together for a pick-up game.

My daughter, now a college senior, and I discussed the idea of making friends in today’s society.  “Mom, I don’t think we had the same opportunities to make friends as you and dad did.”

Over the years we told stories of how we grew up, and she smiled as if our stories were fantasy.  Growing up in an urban area, there were at least 50 kids on the block.  We went out to play early in the morning and came in for dinner.  Games were invented on the fly, leaders rose to the occasion, and friendships were formed.

Parents didn’t step in when friends squabbled; kids figured out how to work things out.  You learned by your mistakes that you shouldn’t share a secret because then it was no longer a secret.  Since we weren’t overwhelmed with activities, we actually had time for friends.

Facebook vs. Facetime

I am not suggesting that we should reset the clock because technology brings many good things.  There are ways to stay connected to friends that move away and share moments in our lives that are meaningful.

There are also ways to connect with people that have similar interests and causes which make it easier as Ghandi suggests, to be the change you want to see in the world.

Connections are not friends.  You first have to make friends.

This is an exerpt of a collaborative work by Parental Wisdom® advisors that will be given away as an e-book to members. Become a member to receive your copy of:

Tomorrow’s Adult: Who You Always Dreamed Your Child Would Be.

p.s. You may also want to tell your friends to sign up.

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Friendship, Raising children, Safety | 4 Comments »

What Makes You Happy?

Monday, August 9th, 2010

The best vitamin to be a happy person is B1.

~Author Unknown

In an earlier post entitled “So How Am I Doing?” I mentioned Parental Wisdom® advisors are working together to write a book on raising children that we would love to meet someday.

Your feedback helped craft the list we are diligently working on.  One important quality identified in raising a person that you would love to meet is for that person to be happy.  Though we can reference many ideas, we can also use your help in defining what makes a person happy.   If you would like to contribute a comment that we could publish, please leave a comment here.

If it is something we use for the book, we will respond and get your permission which means you may (finally) be published!  And we might throw in a cool t-shirt too.

Can’t wait to hear what you have to say on this topic!  Again, here is the question: what makes you happy?

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Happy, Raising children | 9 Comments »

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