Do you want my advice? Not really

May 13th, 2012

Are you Mom Enough?

 

 

 

 

 

 

“If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a great deal faster than it does.”

 ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

February  1989: My  13-month old isn’t sleeping through the night and I’m pregnant with our second child.  I purchase Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems by Dr. Richard Ferber.   Three nights later and $15.95 out of pocket, I finish the book. 

Though Dr. Ferber has an MD and I’m only a mom this method does not feel right.  Clearly he had done research and I have not.  But the difference is that I care about my long term relationship with this child.  

Years later, I would use that moment of realization, that I am the expert in knowing my own child best, as the basis for a patent defense for Parental Wisdom®. 

If Time Magazine’s objective was to engage conversation and create controversary, they succeeded with their cover and story asking moms if they are ‘mom enough’.  

Great –what we needed just in time for Mother’s Day; another reason for self-doubt and guilt.

Nothing good is coming from that conversation.  But on page 9 in the very same magazine, was an article asking where moms have it worst, ranking 165 countries in categories including child nutrition, access to medical care and maternal mortality, which measures the likelihood of death due to childbirth and other motherhood-related causes.

Perhaps, because we care about the wrong things, the U.S. moms might have it the worst.

Change the conversation, and have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Family Friendly America, Moms, Parenting 101 | No Comments »

Winners in the Mom lottery

May 6th, 2012

 

I received an email this week that I wanted to share with you.

Jennifer has been accepted in to the Masters program (text & performance) at “The Royal Academy of Arts” in London…I wanted to share this exciting news with you. From Annie Jr. to West Side Story most of you in some way have been instrumental in helping her grown as an artist. Collectively you were her first teachers, mentors, friends and fans and I for one am grateful to your contribution in her life…..needless to say I am a very proud mother.

The truth is that this mom had many proud moments prior to this accomplishment for her daughter. 

For any mom who is there for the ups and downs, the rehearsals, practices, lessons, auditions, endless driving, sitting in, and cheering from the stands, this P&G video is a tribute to the moms who have sacrificed so much to participate in the joy that is being a mom.

Congratulations Jennifer for your great achievement, and being one of the many winners I know in the mom lottery.

Happy Mother’s Day to you all

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Moms | 2 Comments »

Cookies, not kids should be pictured on milk cartons

April 22nd, 2012

On May 25th 1979, 6-year-old Etan Patz disappeared while walking alone to his school bus stop for the very first time, just two blocks from his Manhattan Soho neighborhood.

Etan was the first missing child to be pictured on the side of a milk carton.

The cold case which has stretched decades became hot again.  This past week police investigators began digging up the basement down the street from the boy’s home.

Also last week, Dateline NBC aired a hidden camera series which tests parents’ teaching their children about strangers.   In the first episode of “My kid would never do that,” Natalie Morales put her own 8-year-old son in a situation where he has to decide if it is safe to enter an ice cream truck. After he initially hesitates, Morales tears up when her son follows his friends.  It’s clear that she and the other moms had the stranger talk with their children.

We have come so far to protect our children 33 years after the disappearance of Etan Patz, but as we can see in the Dateline report, the best defense is to empower our kids to handle situations by role-playing and what-if scenarios. 

  • Does your family have a codeword? 
  • Do you children have clear rules about who can come in your home?  Make sure your rules are very simple.  In our house, the only people who could enter were those with keys.
  • If they are lost in a public place, have them ask a woman for help.
  • Explain that an adult should never ask a child for help.
  • If they are being followed by a car, run in the opposite direction of the car.

We hope that our children hear our messages, but it is clear we need to reinforce the message and role play as often as possible. 

 Best said by Ronald Regan in response to national security issues, “Trust, but verify.”

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

 Parental Wisdom®

 

Posted in Raising children, Safety | 1 Comment »

We need to listen before we can empathize

April 15th, 2012

He opens his wallet and pulls out a picture of an adorable infant.  “My grandson,” he said beaming with pride.  “How wonderful for you,” I reply.   He then says that his daughter plans to stay home because she wants to raise him.  The hair on the back of my neck stands up, but I say nothing.  He has no idea that he just insulted all women who return to work after having children.  He doesn’t realize that working mothers raise their children and work.  I can’t expect him to understand that any more than he can understand what it is like to be pregnant.

But I expect women to be more supportive of each other.  We have come far and are able to make choices. There are women that have to work, women who don’t have to work, and women who choose to work.  Hillary Rosen was criticized for the comment that Ann Romney never worked a day in her life was taken out of context.  She wasn’t critical of Ann Romney for making the choice to stay-at-home, she simply wanted to point out that due to the economy many women simply don’t have that as a choice.  The critics didn’t listen.

No one should be judging what is right or wrong; it’s only your choice.  Let’s reserve judgment for jury duty.

In the meanwhile, focus on your own physical, spiritual and mental health and on being really good parents. Yes, there I said it!  Let’s not forget that fathers are the other half of the equation we call parents which is not dependent on whether or not moms work.   

Viva la choice!

Have a good week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Family Friendly America, Parenting 101, respect | 3 Comments »

An apology to my son

March 11th, 2012

I would like to open this blog with an apology to my son. 

Now an adult, Michael is intelligent, curious, loves to learn new things, and very closely follows the things he is passionate about.

So why the apology?

From the 4th grade on, at the end of each school marking period, our house was not a happy place because report cards were distributed.  I knew the less than stellar grades didn’t reflect his real ability.  My frustration would heighten especially as he promised the marks would get better because, “This is the new Michael.” 

That never happened.

What did happen was a consistent yet subtle change.  His room was filled with books on the topics he loved; philosophy, religion, mathematics, military tactics, leadership and most of all, music.

When we played Trivial Pursuit, all the adults wanted Michael on their team.  When we watched Jeopardy on TV as a family, I would count all the money he would have won if he had been on the show rather than sitting comfortably in our living room. 

While I was worried about grades and the status of good grades; he knew better than me that education was more about the love of learning.  What was at stake was my relationship with my son.

For this reason I want to share a manifesto written by Seth Godin, my favorite author.  I encourage you to download, print, read and share – Stop Stealing Dreams (what is school for?).

Godin writes that the education system was designed when education became compulsory and children were moved out of factories.  The objective was to create very obedient factory workers when these same children grew up and would return to the factory.   That approach will not help create new ideas or help find someone’s passion.

The world has changed dramatically, but education has not.  That is a much bigger problem, but like any problem, we can solve it if we understand what is really wrong.

Einstein is quoted as having said that if he had one hour to save the world he would spend fifty-five minutes defining the problem and only five minutes finding the solution.

Your problem is much easier to solve.  Don’t let an out of date education system, ruin your relationship with your child, or destroy your child’s dreams.

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Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Creativity, Education, Passion, Relationships | No Comments »

Parenting in America

February 20th, 2012

I’ve always felt that it is a mistake to call the birth process labor.  In retrospect, that is the easy part; what follows is the world’s most challenging on the job training, in the world’s toughest training ground – parenting in America.

A good friend once told that me if you say yes to a child who has just asked 27 times to have a piece of candy right before dinner, and you give in, you just taught the child that 27 is the magic number.  This means the next time a child asks for something and you say no, the child will ask at least 27 times before giving up.

For this reason, I was fascinated by the recent WSJ article, “Why French Parents are Superior”.  I’ve watched parenting in America and witnessed rather lengthy negotiations parents have with 4-year-olds over various issues including a store purchase, leaving a playground, or eating a certain food.

Parenting in America

“The thing that impressed me most about America is the way parents obey their children.”

–King Edward VIII

When did American kids take over?  For parenting in America to get better, parents need to remember who is in charge.  It isn’t stifling your child’s creativity or imagination to sit at the dinner table and eat what is put in front of them, or to be part of the dinner conversation without the help of an iPad to keep them quiet.

The French, it seems do what our parents did; have a stern no and a glaring stare, and it seems they can do this and let their kids behave like kids.   If you find yourself apologizing to friends that you can give them eye contact until the kids are in grad school, then let’s take more than the French fries, and French toast and take a tip from French parents. 

And the next time you are having a meaningful conversation with your spouse or a friend and a child interrupts, you can always use the old standby, “the adults are talking”. 

Have a great week

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

 

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Posted in Family Friendly America, Parenting 101, Raising children, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

How technology may save families

January 14th, 2012

They solemnly sat in the first row of St. Paul’s Greek Orthodox Church.  I didn’t know who they were, but understood the person memorialized was very important to them.  At the end of the service two young women and six young men were the pallbearers for their Yiayia.

I met them at the luncheon following the burial. They were the exact opposite of the adult children mentioned in a recent blog.  They were bright lights, confident and connected to each other.  But sadly because they lived so far away, my family doesn’t know them at all.

Today, twenty and thirty year-olds grow up understanding that moving away is a fact of life, while I grew up in a world where most of my family lived within walking distance.   The boomers who are now grandparents are on Skype, Facebook and Facetime on a regular basis to create a connection with their grandchildren that has to suffice between visits and hugs.

Perhaps the next version of Facebook will include a way to smell Sunday dinner.  Until then it’s a great way to watch a video of an older sibling making a new baby brother laugh, first steps, hockey games, or the school play.

I think the thing I enjoyed best about watching them yesterday was that the cell phones only came out at the very last minute for pictures. They spent the whole time connecting the old fashioned way…they talked to each other.

Nice meeting all of you! May our next meeting be at a family reunion.

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Communication, Family | 1 Comment »

Move over childhood obesity; we’ve got bigger problems

December 30th, 2011

Even though the economy isn’t cooperating with many of their career choices, the parents of young adults are confident they will find their way.

But there are many adult children not quite ready for prime time, and it doesn’t appear they will be any time soon. I use the term ‘adult children’ for those kids that have gotten older, but have not necessarily grown up.

To see if this term applies to your child, see if you recognize any of these traits:

  1. Inadequate social skills; eye contact, shaking hands, or the art of conversation
  2. Poor work ethic – they don’t get it that the first rule of business is showing up
  3. Little desire to use their education or learn anything new unless it is promoted by popular culture
  4. They lack confidence, though ironically have a sense of entitlement
  5. No sense of responsibility or accountability

It would be easy to write about the cause and how to prevent it, but I want to take on the greater challenge of how to fix adult children. 

One of the best ways to teach social skills is to model them.  A good way to do that is making family dinners together a priority without the interference of technology.  

Occasionally invite dinner guests with diverse backgrounds encouraging stimulating conversation. Get subscriptions to newspapers and magazines such as Time or Newsweek and discuss current events. Remember the intention is about building up, not tearing down, so their messy room is not a good dinner topic. 

Does your adult child have a job?  If so, don’t feed their excuses as to why this job isn’t right for them, and don’t bail them out financially.  If they want something, they have to work for it.  That includes car insurance, cell phone bills, gas money, movies, clothes, anything!  Explain there is a difference between finding your passion and paying your bills.  

Doing something well and feeling confident is a great way to boost self-esteem.  It could be a hobby or volunteer work, which would put them on the giving end for a change.

One of our roles as parents is to have our children contribute first to the household, and then to society. Identify household jobs and hold them accountable to do them.  The vast majority of people would like to live in a clean home.  If your child is the cause of the mess, take several very large, black heavy duty garbage bags, load up and toss.  You should only have to do that once.

Though adult children need to take ownership of their lives, they still might need your help in getting there, no different than if your child was ill.  It’s challenging, but hang in there. 

For those of you with younger children, begin with the end in mind, best illustrated by a wonderful Jesse Jackson quote;

“Your children need your presence more than your presents.”

Have a safe, healthy and Happy New Year!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Adult children, Helping Families, Popular culture, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

To do two things at once is to do neither

November 20th, 2011

To do two things at once is to do neither. – Publilius Syrus (c. 46 BC)

Though we brag about our ability to multi-task, I don’t believe multi-tasking is possible unless the second activity is mindless.  For me, ironing is one of those mindless activities.

When we are always connected, that umbilical link to electronics could cause us to miss our most important connection; relationship building with our children.  That is done most effectively by being attentive and present as parents.  The most valuable times aren’t scheduled, but rather the casual moments woven into everyday life. 

Talk about your day, ask about their day.  Look for changes in behavior; engage in a dialog regarding the observations your child makes. 

If you are divorced and don’t have the opportunity to have daily meaningful conversations, then use the same technology the divides us to connect to your kids.  Use the phone, email, texting, or Skype to let them know that you love them. 

Whatever your situation, don’t miss moments by falling prey to the many distractions calling for our attention.

Remember, you are building a child and even though it is hard work, it is much easier to spend the time and energy on building a child than it is to repair an adult.

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Parenting 101, Relationships | No Comments »

Do we need laws to protect our children?

November 13th, 2011

If our American way of life fails the child, it fails us all.
-Pearl S. Buck

This morning on NBC’s “Meet the Press” Tom Corbett, the attorney general who started the investigation of formerPennStatedefensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky, said that the law should be changed to make sure reports of alleged child sexual abuse are made to government authorities.

Do we need to wait for laws to protect our children?

There is a public awareness campaign encouraging the public to contact local authorities if they see something suspicious.  The nationwide launch of “If You See Something, Say Something™” has proven to be very successful as commuters pay attention to packages at airports, bus terminals and train stations. 

Our children are innocent and must be protected from sexual abuse and corporal punishment.  A disturbing video surfaced showing a Texas County Judge beating his disabled daughter with a belt; it was viewed over 2 million times.

There is a saying that we judge a society by something called the burning building theory which says, that if a building was burning and your child was inside no doubt you would rush in to save your child.  But a society is judged by the willingness of citizens to rush in to save the life of any child. 

We shouldn’t need laws to do the right thing.  We should do something simply because it is the right thing to do.

 Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Responsibility, Safety | No Comments »

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