Archive for the ‘Teens’ Category

Conversation anyone?

Thursday, February 28th, 2008

underage-drinking.png

The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University has launched a parenting forum to engage parents in conversation about how to raise drug- and alcohol-free children.

Casa has given parents a method of approaching the important conversation of substance abuse prevention. When I have spoken with my own children about local abuse prevention programs, they didn’t think the programs were very effective. The large number of middle and high school students that are abusing drugs and alcohol would prove that point.

The best prevention is home, where good behavior is modeled and bad behavior, as often illustrated by popular culture and young Hollywood, is a great opportunity for a dialog on what not to do. Since we’re often uncertain how and when to start these conversations, Casa offers some great ideas.

The best times to talk are obvious; well before the problem begins.

Teenagers – Like Rodney Dangerfield, They Just Need Some Respect

Friday, January 18th, 2008

rodney.png

An article in The Patriot-News reminded me of a situation from a few years ago. We went to a movie theatre and just before the movie started, the door opened. The manager looked in, scanned the crowd and found a small group of adolescent kids who were eating popcorn and sipping soda, just like everyone else. The manager glared at them and yelled, “If you do anything, I’ll throw you out!”

They weren’t doing anything. I don’t know if some other incident happened earlier or another time, but at that moment, they were well-behaved.

I thought the manager was disrespectful and wondering how kids learn respect if they’re treated that way. Don’t get me wrong, there are adolescents and teens that behave badly, but stereotyping is wrong and unfair.

Let’s teach by example.

The Link Between Music and Family

Saturday, January 12th, 2008

clapton-is-god.png

I’m grateful that our son Michael has shared his interest in music with us. In addition to the obvious benefits of learning something new with your child, I realized we can all learn a lot from musicians. Michael is taking In Home Voice Lessons now and his voice is beautiful and he even though about making a band!

Passion
It is never work if you love what you do. Musicians don’t call it practice, they call it play. The more you play, the better you get.

Respect
Musicians appreciate and respect each other’s work. They encourage solos in performing and always share creative ideas.

No discrimination of any kind
Watch a concert by Eric Clapton and you’ll see him performing with B.B. King and John Mayer; always giving guest performers the limelight. He proves that you can learn from those around you, young and old.

There is always a new song to sing
Music is infinite, and we all have something to offer, and a new way to play it. Finding ways to harmonize our uniqueness with the uniqueness of others can be very rewarding.

As we try to teach our children life lessons, these are lessons we can all benefit from.

Hoorah! Finally, a Mean Mom

Wednesday, January 9th, 2008

teens-in-car.png

Jane Hambleton of Fort Dodge, Iowa has dubbed herself “the meanest mom on the planet.” Despite her harsh personnel criticism, she has people cheering, and I’m one of them.

I would suspect that if you questioned educators, coaches, emergency room nurses, school counselors, and police officers they would stand up and cheer for the mom who put an ad in the paper and sold her 19-year-old son’s car after she found alcohol in

It appears that parents of teens choose a camp. They are either as President Ronald Regan suggests, from the ‘trust, but verify’ school of thought, or the ‘blissfully ignorant’ camp, or from that river in Egypt, ‘selective denial.’

Under age drinking doesn’t make sense at all – period.

Jane Hambleton decided to be a parent at the sake of friendship. Kudos to you!

Please respect our privacy at this very difficult time

Tuesday, December 25th, 2007

spears.png

My mom often says, “Don’t spit in the water, because you may have to drink it someday.”

Loosely translated that means you shouldn’t talk about other people’s kids because your kids could make the same mistakes.

The announcement of 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears’s pregnancy is not a reason to question the parenting skills of Lynne Spears or the decision to delay the release of her parenting book.

Each parent has one variable we have to constantly be reminded of – our children.

Since I’m not standing in her shoes I can’t question Lynne Spears’s parenting skills. What I can question is who is selling the photos and stories to the media.

Their older daughter has to live with constant paparazzi bombardment and would welcome privacy. Knowing that, why would the family agree to invite the media into this very difficult time.

As parents, we wear many hats. But one of the most important roles is to be our child’s advocate. That means giving them time to learn from the mistakes they make.

That is, out of the limelight.

Have We Really Evolved?

Tuesday, November 27th, 2007

bullying.png

Parents Say Online Bullies Caused Daughter’s Suicide

When your children are little, and when they fall and hurt themselves it’s easy to kiss the hurt and apply a band-aid.

But as they get older, the world can be cold and cruel, and situations that can’t be fixed with a band-aid and kiss.

The story in recent news is incredible and makes me wonder if we’ve really evolved at all. Parents posing as a teen age boy befriend a 14-year-old girl online. The girl’s parents took all the right precautions regarding Internet safety, but after ‘Josh’ befriended their daughter, he began to say cruel and hurtful things.

The intention of the parents pretending to be Josh was to see if the girl said anything bad about their daughter. That in itself is unreal. But the story gets worse because the teenage girl was on medication for ADD and depression, and hung herself because of the cruelty.

When it was realized that this was a hoax, the girl’s parents confronted the neighborhood family that created Josh and after losing their tempers did some damage to their property, and called the police.

The law cannot do anything to the family that created this hoax, while there is a family that no longer has their little girl. She had a name – it was Megan Miers.

Please remember her name because Megan’s parents are working on legislation to change the law so this doesn’t happen to someone else’s child. When they need support, I’m sure they can count on every parent that wants to protect their children.

My heart goes out to this family, along with my support.

The Grass Isn’t Greener – Even in Scotland

Friday, October 26th, 2007

st-andrews.png

Known as one of the world’s best golf courses, one would believe that St. Andrews in Scotland is an indication that the grass is truly greener. That may be true in the literal sense, but not figuratively.

If you’re worried about parenting, then you should know that parents in Scotland feel undermined, under-valued and un-supported. Scotland’s parents are feeling the pressure to be perfect more than ever before and parents of teenagers are looking for help they say just isn’t there. That’s the findings from a new report which was launched today (16) by leading children’s charity CHILDREN 1ST during National Parenting Week.

The bottom line is the same arguments noted in the report are heard here in the U.S. I applaud UNICEF ambassador Kaye Adams comment that it is no longer ‘us and them’ – we need to work together to help parents, especially parents with teens.

Trust, but verify

Tuesday, October 16th, 2007

regan.png

The front page of today’s USA Today reads High schools using breathalyzers to fight teen drinking. The article discusses the increase in high school orders for breathalyzers which are up 120% in each of the past four years, according to Keith Nothacker, president of KHN Solutions, which sells the machines. Another company, AK Solutions USA, a New Jersey importer of the devices adds that orders go up before prom.

Increased sales come as lawmakers and educators are cracking down on youth drinking with hotlines, awareness classes, tougher penalties for adults who give teens alcohol and more college classes on Fridays to reduce “Thirsty Thursday” partying.

This all makes sense to reduce underage drinking. So who would be opposed? Naturally the American Civil Liberties Union with the concern that schools might violate rights if they test without “reasonable suspicion, and the students themselves who claim that their rights may be violated and they feel the school doesn’t trust them.

So why the picture at the top of this blog of former President Ronald Regan?

Simple – the topic of trust and teens is a divisive issue. Teens want to be completely trusted, but some adults feel teens should not be trusted at all. Both, at times, may be right. I found myself waffling back and forth on this topic until I read a comment by Ronald Regan. When responding to national security issues, Regan commented,

“Trust, but verify.”

At the risk of sounding like Goldilocks, I must say that feels just about right.

Think of teens as toddlers on steroids (hopefully not literally); their brains are still being wired. They aren’t capable of making certain choices and need to know and hear from us that they can’t do certain things. If we agree with them, or even if we remain silent, that is taken as a yes when they need to hear a very loud no.

You wouldn’t feel safe moving into a house where the wiring wasn’t complete. Jay Giedd, Chief of Brain Imaging for the Child Psychiatry Branch of the National Health Institute of Mental Health, who with Michael Bradley co-authored Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!, concluded that the main area of the brain still developing during the teen years controls organization and decisions such as whether to walk home from school or go for a ride with beer-drinking buddies. Our brains are still being wired till we’re about 24. Is it a coincidence you have to be 25 to rent a car? Sounds like Hertz and Avis were the only ones paying attention on wiring day.

If we compare a teenager’s brain to a new home being built, you can’t get a Certificate of Occupancy until the wiring is complete and inspected. Then it would be safe enough to move in. It’s our job to keep driving the bus until the wiring is complete. According to David Walsh, a clinical psychologist and author of Why Do They Act That Way?, teenagers need and look for curfews, limits, and family rules.

We can provide the walls our kids need. Breathalizers aren’t a bad thing.

Parents are actually bus drivers

Tuesday, June 26th, 2007

bus-2.jpg

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

-Albert Einstein, US (German-born) physicist (1879 – 1955)

Have you noticed how conscientious first time parents are? They research product safety better than Consumer Reports as they begin parenting by the Hippocratic Oath which says, ‘First, do no harm.’

When children are little, we understand our job is to keep them safe. But as they grow, we have to remember their safety is still our job. A toddler asking to wear stripes and polka-dots is negotiable, but being safely secured into a carseat is not.

As parents, we get numerous job descriptions but it can be summarized to one title – bus driver. We take our children on a journey from infancy to adulthood. Just like a bus there will be stops along the way in the form of outside influences such as family, friends, teachers, coaches, the media, our children’s friends, the list is endless. But the bus will go where the bus driver steers it.

Sometimes parents like to put the bus in cruise control and not think for themselves, or take the easy way out. Children are required by law to sit in carseats, later in booster seats, and that they wear helmets when riding bikes. There are laws that prohibit teens from drinking until they are 21, but parents take a lackadaisical attitude when they get push back from their kids; especially true regarding teenage drinking. “Well, they’re going to drink anyway.” If they did homework on the effects of teenage drinking they would have a totally different perspective.

Are these the same parents that got down on their hands and knees to look for exposed electrical outlets to protect their toddlers? What we know about teenage drinking is that 40% of the people that drink before age 15 go on to become alcoholics at some point in their lives. What we now know about the teenage brain is that the prefrontal cortex which is responsible for reasoning is the last part of the brain to develop. That is why it is hard for teenagers to distinguish the difference between going home after school to do homework, or going drinking with their friends. In fact that area of the brain isn’t fully developed until age 24. Interestingly, you have to be 25 to rent a car.

The best approach to trust and teens is the same theory that Ronald Regan used in foreign policy; trust but verify.

An awkward conversation between teen parents may involve one parent verifying with another that their teen is invited over, that an adult will be home and there will be no alcohol.

A far more awkward conversation begins with a knock on the door, and opens to find a police officer and member of the clergy on the other side.

Parents – please, drive your bus.

Adapted from Because Kids Don’t Come With Manuals by Tina Nocera

What High School Graduates Need Most

Sunday, June 3rd, 2007

graduation-hats.jpg

“I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and advise them to do it.”
– Harry S. Truman 33rd President

As parents we celebrate a series of ‘firsts’
First smile
First word
First day of school

And in the blink of an eye, we celebrate ‘lasts’
Last spring concert
Last ball game
Last day of school

It’s a rite of passage for all of us.

We have grown up with the families of our children’s classmates for 13 years and have shared many memorable events. At graduation, one last time we’ll sit together with our cameras positioned as happy tears stream down our faces. We’ll look at these accomplished young people, but remember them as little children with missing teeth, which then turned to braces, and have now become beautiful, confident smiles.

We have nothing but hope for their future, and are blessed with the memories they’ve given us. It’s funny when raising the children the hours go so slowly but the years fly by.

Despite the many gifts they’ll receive for graduation, the one they need most is the one we’ve already given them. But a gentle reminder won’t hurt. The best gift is a life compass which will help guide our children through the next phase of their journey. It’s our teaching what’s important; something that each family can decide for themselves.

As your children chart off to college, write them a letter reminding them of your own family’s life compass. It will be something they can refer to since you won’t be close by to pick up their socks or their spirits. This way if they go off course, they can find their way back again.

Be grateful to the people who had a positive influence on your children including their teachers, friends, family and others that treated them with respect and expected the same in return. Finally, be proud of the person you raised, and optimistic about the world they will create.

A wonderful gift that I’ll be buying for the high school graduates in our life is the new book by one of our advisors, Dr. Rob Gilbert of Montclair State University (NJ) entitled How To Have Fun Without Failing Out: 430 Tips From a College Professor. which was just awarded the Good Parenting seal.

On Monday June 4th, we will have an interview with Dr. Gilbert on our Daily Inspirational Call Line (641) 985-5999 ext. 24290# and feature exerpts from his book every day this week.