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We are moved by our emotions

Friday, January 3rd, 2014

“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart”

 -Helen Keller

One of life’s biggest frustrations is knowing the right thing to do and not doing it.

Sometimes it is because we wait for things to be perfect which is like saying I don’t want to leave for work until all the lights are green.

But a friend (thanks Suzanne!) posted a link to an article The Important Thing About Yelling by Rachel Macy Stafford which causes you to stop and think.

That article coupled with an amazing ad directed to moms demonstrates how critical moms are of the job they do, while their kids have a totally different and far more positive reaction.

The clichés express we are to enjoy each moment. Since we are driven by our emotions, I thought the article and video will help.

But simply stated moms, lighten up!

You see – the greatest impact you will have in the world is on your own family.  And you can do that every day in little ways by finding reasons to celebrate without waiting for the big traditional holidays.

First up – Trivia Day – January 4th

What I love about this ‘holiday’ is that you could tailor it to your own family.   Think about creating:

For future ‘holiday’ days/dates – please follow me on Twitter

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Fun, Healthy Lifestyle, Traditions, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

We must not give our children too much

Sunday, December 15th, 2013

Your children need your presence more than your presents.  – Jesse Jackson

Privileged Texas teen Ethan Couch was charged in the deaths of four pedestrians while driving drunk.

His attorney used the ‘affluenza’ defense claiming that he had a sense of entitlement and was irresponsible.  His poor behavior was due to the fact that his parents did not set proper boundaries.

The judge gave the teen 10 years of probation for the fatal accident. Prosecutors were seeking the maximum 20-year prison sentence.

In the season of giving, you may want to give your children less in terms of material things.

You may want to consider the four gift rule:

  1. 1 thing they want
  2. 1 thing they need
  3. 1 thing they wear
  4. 1 thing they read

You are probably done shopping now.

Have a wonderful Christmas!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Gratitude, Helping Families, Joy, Kindness, Money & Material Things, Raising children, Responsibility, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Random Acts of Kindness 2013

Sunday, December 1st, 2013

The countdown begins!

December 1 is day one as little children open Advent Calendars eager to find a surprise each day until December 24th.

The holiday season is our time to build family memories.  

Some families cut down their own tree; others watch classic holiday movies, some bake cookies, while others write an annual holiday letter.  The common thread is just that – a thread, and threads are like habits.

Habits are like a cable. We weave a strand of it everyday and soon it cannot be broken.

-Horace Mann

It’s never too late to start new traditions. I’m going to start a new tradition this year which is to perform a random act of kindness each day until December 24th.

Please follow me on twitter #randomactsofkindness2013.

Traditions matter more than the gifts and more than you realize. Ask your children about their favorite holiday traditions. Guarantee this will make you smile.

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder
Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Kindness, Philanthropy, Traditions, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

I love to watch you play

Saturday, September 14th, 2013

To us, family means putting your arms around each other and being there. ~Barbara Bush

As we begin school, we begin sports.

I was inspired by this article posted on the Huffinton Post by Rachel Macy.

I loved her message!

The essence is this….our children want us to attend their sporting events, but don’t want to hear our good or bad comments.  They simply want us to be there.   That takes the pressure off them AND off us!

We don’t have to think up motivational comments.  What they love to hear is about how we FEEL about the event, simply and truthfully stated as “I love to watch you play.”

And isn’t that exactly what you are feeling?

What I love is how this message can translate to so many every day and extraordinary events in our children’s lives.  We are so happy to be part of these events and we really do LOVE to watch them play, and read, and cook, and laugh.  The list goes on and on.

Have a great ‘pressure free’ week.

 

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Relationships, Uncategorized | No Comments »

We need another hero

Sunday, May 26th, 2013

The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve.

– Albert Schweitzer

We took a trip to Gettysburg when my son Michael was in middle school and a Civil War reenactor. With his commentary, we walked Picket’s Charge and learned so much more than facts you learn in school.  He explained how we lost a generation of good young men that would have been husbands and fathers.  That profound loss and sacrifice reinforces the point that Memorial Day is about understanding, remembering, and paying respect to those that served our country and paid the ultimate sacrifice so the rest of us could enjoy our freedom.

Unlike the song, we don’t need another hero, we always need heroes. 

On this Memorial Day, I want to thank my son, serving the US Army in Afghanistan along with all those serving, and thank their families as well.  To walk in their shoes, much like the way we walked Picket’s Charge, is a good way to understand.

Here are some youth group organizations that salute military opportunities:

  • National Middle School Cadet Corps – a program is designed to introduce middle school students to responsible leadership roles while serving as a bridge facilitating a smooth transition into high school.
  • Young Marines – a youth education and service program for boys and girls, ages 8 through completion of high school. The Young Marines promotes the mental, moral, and physical development of its members. The program focuses on character building, leadership, and promotes a healthy, drug-free lifestyle. The Young Marines is the focal point for the U.S. Marine Corps’ Youth Drug Demand Reduction efforts.
  • U.S. Army Cadet Corps – following the emphasis on youth development which has been targeted by the Department of Defense, the U.S. Army Cadet Corps utilizes the spirit, traditions, and models of the U.S. Army to further the development of America’s youth.  The development of body, mind, and spirit are the key elements of this program.  These elements are stimulated through close order drill, precision military formations, physical fitness, martial arts, and the privilege of wearing an Army uniform.  Skill areas include instruction in both basic military and high adventure training, such as Rappelling and Mountain Climbing; Map, Compass, and Land Navigation; Marksmanship and Weapons Safety; First Aid and Water Survival; and Scuba Diving.  Instruction is given in both classroom and hands-on environments.
  • Civil Air Patrol – Cadets fly, learn to lead, hike, camp, get in shape, and push themselves to new limits. If you’re dreaming about a career in aviation, space, or the military, CAP’s Cadet Program is for you.
  • U.S. Army Junior ROTC – Providing a quality citizenship, character, and leadership development program, while fostering partnerships with communities and educational institutions.
  •  U.S. Naval Seal Cadets – Through organization and cooperation with the Department of the Navy, to encourage and aid American youth to develop, train them in seagoing skills, and to teach them patriotism, courage, self-reliance and kindred virtues.

The picture at the beginning of this post is Michael as a little boy celebrating the return of our troops from Operation Desert Storm in Nutley, NJ in 1992.

Have a wonderful Memorial Day, and be sure to thank a solider for their service.

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Passion, Project Imagine!, Responsibility, Sacrifice, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Parenting in America

Monday, February 20th, 2012

I’ve always felt that it is a mistake to call the birth process labor.  In retrospect, that is the easy part; what follows is the world’s most challenging on the job training, in the world’s toughest training ground – parenting in America

A good friend once told she have found some awesome MomLife gear at onemessybun.com and red that if you say yes to a child who has just asked 27 times to have a piece of candy right before dinner, and you give in, you just taught the child that 27 is the magic number.  This means the next time a child asks for something and you say no, the child will ask at least 27 times before giving up.

For this reason, I was fascinated by the recent WSJ article, “Why French Parents are Superior”.  I’ve watched parenting in America and witnessed rather lengthy negotiations parents have with 4-year-olds over various issues including a store purchase, leaving a playground, or eating a certain food.

Parenting in America

“The thing that impressed me most about America is the way parents obey their children.”

–King Edward VIII

When did American kids take over?  For parenting in America to get better, parents need to remember who is in charge.  It isn’t stifling your child’s creativity or imagination to sit at the dinner table and eat what is put in front of them, or to be part of the dinner conversation without the help of an iPad to keep them quiet.

The French, it seems do what our parents did; have a stern no and a glaring stare, and it seems they can do this and let their kids behave like kids.   If you find yourself apologizing to friends that you can give them eye contact until the kids are in grad school, then let’s take more than the French fries, and French toast and take a tip from French parents.  Same day expedited rush birth certificate texas replacement copy services.

And the next time you are having a meaningful conversation with your spouse or a friend and a child interrupts, you can always use the old standby, “the adults are talking”.

Have a great week

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

 

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Posted in Family Friendly America, Parenting 101, Raising children, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

Move over childhood obesity; we’ve got bigger problems

Friday, December 30th, 2011

Even though the economy isn’t cooperating with many of their career choices, the parents of young adults are confident they will find their way.

But there are many adult children not quite ready for prime time, and it doesn’t appear they will be any time soon. I use the term ‘adult children’ for those kids that have gotten older, but have not necessarily grown up.

To see if this term applies to your child, see if you recognize any of these traits:

  1. Inadequate social skills; eye contact, shaking hands, or the art of conversation
  2. Poor work ethic – they don’t get it that the first rule of business is showing up
  3. Little desire to use their education or learn anything new unless it is promoted by popular culture
  4. They lack confidence, though ironically have a sense of entitlement
  5. No sense of responsibility or accountability

It would be easy to write about the cause and how to prevent it, but I want to take on the greater challenge of how to fix adult children. 

One of the best ways to teach social skills is to model them.  A good way to do that is making family dinners together a priority without the interference of technology.  

Occasionally invite dinner guests with diverse backgrounds encouraging stimulating conversation. Get subscriptions to newspapers and magazines such as Time or Newsweek and discuss current events. Remember the intention is about building up, not tearing down, so their messy room is not a good dinner topic. 

Does your adult child have a job?  If so, don’t feed their excuses as to why this job isn’t right for them, and don’t bail them out financially.  If they want something, they have to work for it.  That includes car insurance, cell phone bills, gas money, movies, clothes, anything!  Explain there is a difference between finding your passion and paying your bills.  

Doing something well and feeling confident is a great way to boost self-esteem.  It could be a hobby or volunteer work, which would put them on the giving end for a change.

One of our roles as parents is to have our children contribute first to the household, and then to society. Identify household jobs and hold them accountable to do them.  The vast majority of people would like to live in a clean home.  If your child is the cause of the mess, take several very large, black heavy duty garbage bags, load up and toss.  You should only have to do that once.

Though adult children need to take ownership of their lives, they still might need your help in getting there, no different than if your child was ill.  It’s challenging, but hang in there. 

For those of you with younger children, begin with the end in mind, best illustrated by a wonderful Jesse Jackson quote;

“Your children need your presence more than your presents.”

Have a safe, healthy and Happy New Year!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Adult children, Helping Families, Popular culture, Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

Three Simple Ways to Stop Bullying

Monday, October 31st, 2011

“Promise me you’ll always remember…you’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.” Christopher Robin to Pooh

Was it so much easier a generation ago to be a kid?

You probably didn’t think so at the time if you suffered much the same taunts and teases as kids do today.  The difference between then and now is that we could go home, close the door, and find people who loved you, even with your own fair share of sibling battles.

Today, there is no where to hide.  Bullies find you everywhere, at all times, and if online; forever.  But imagine if bullying were approached like a drug problem, where both supply and demand is simultaneously approached. Navigate to https://jnlawoffices.com/child-abuse/ site for the details about child abuse attorney.

Here are three simple ideas that you can put into effect right now:

  1. Let your child know he/she is loved unconditionally by everyone in your household and more in terms of extended family.  See the wonderful quote above by Christopher Robin that says it all!
  2. Arm your children with a powerful weapon to neutralize the bully.  Bill Cosby’s The Meanest Thing to Say has empowered many four- to eight-year-olds to resist the schoolyard bully. Cosby encourages young readers to respond to taunts simply by saying, “So?” instead of giving away their true feelings or responding aggressively. While “So?” will not always disarm a bully, it is one terrific tool for children to put into their social-skills toolbox.
  3. Here is a very effective exercise.  Draw a line in the room and have everyone stand on one side.  Now ask anyone who has ever been bullied to step over the line.  You will find that (just about) everyone steps over which in itself is a powerful emotion.  What this does is recognize the bully has also been bullied.  With schools facing budget cuts and at the same time required to present anti-bullying programs, there is a wonderful, free program offered by the folks at Operation Respect.

Effects of cyber bullying

Cyber bullying affects people from any age or walk of life, including children, teens and adults who all feel very distressed and alone when being bullied online.  Cyber bullying can make you feel totally overwhelmed which can result in many feeling embarrassed that they are going through such a devastating time, and not knowing what support is available to them.  Many children feel unable to confide in an adult because they feel ashamed and wonder whether they will be judged, told to ignore it or close their account which they might not want to do, only 1 in 10 victims will inform a parent or trusted adult of their abuse

For many cyber bullying affects their everyday lives and is a constant source of distress and worry.  With mobile technology being so freely available it is an ongoing issue and one that is relentless.  Not only does it go on after school, college or work has finished, but it then carries through into the next day and the cycle continues.  It has been well documented that cyber bullying has resulted in tragic events including suicide, and self-harm and clearly, more needs to be done in order to protect vulnerable children and adults from online bullying.

If you are worried that your child or a loved one might be the victim of cyber bullying here are some signs to look out for:-

  • Low self-esteem
  • Withdrawal from family and spending a lot of time alone
  • Reluctance to let parents or other family members anywhere near their mobiles, laptops etc
  • Finding excuses to stay away from school or work including school refusal
  • Friends disappearing or being excluded from social events
  • Losing weight or changing appearance to try and fit in
  • Fresh marks on the skin that could indicate self-harm and dressing differently such as wearing long sleeved clothes in the summer to hide any marks
  • A change in personality i.e. anger, depression, crying, withdrawn

What can you do to support someone who is being bullied online?

  • Reinforce that no one deserves to be treated in this way and that they have done nothing wrong
  • Ensure that they know that there is help available to them
  • Encourage them to talk to a teacher that they trust so they feel they have somewhere safe at school to go to
  • Encourage them to talk to their parents/carers and if this isn’t possible to write a letter or speak to another family member
  • Take screen shots of the cyber bullying so that they have proof this is happening
  • Report all abuse to the relevant social media networks by clicking on the “report abuse” button,
  • Keep a diary so they have somewhere safe and private to write down their innermost thoughts and feelings which will help to avoid feelings bottling up
  • Give praise for being so brave and talking things through which will hopefully empower them to take responsibility and get help
  • Sending abuse by email or posting it into a web board can be harassment and if this has happened make a complaint to the police who can trace IP addresses etc
  • Ask the school if they have a School Liaison Police Officer that can help in this situation and talk to the school about the dangers and effects

Recent statistics show that

  • 20% of children and young people indicate fear of cyber bullies made them reluctant to go to school
  • 5% reported self-harm
  • 3% reported an attempt of suicide as a direct result of cyber bullying
  • Young people are found to be twice as likely to be bullied on FB as any other social networking site.
  • 28% of young people have reported incidents of cyber bullying on Twitter
  • 26% of young people have reported incidents of cyber bullying on Ask.fm

 

What support and help is available

We know that cyber bullying can have devastating impacts on some children and young adults, especially when they feel there is no let up from the abuse.  So what help is available if you feel your child might be in danger of self harming or having suicidal thoughts?

Keep the school involved and put things in writing so you have a formal record of what has been going on.  Ask the school if there is any pastoral support your child can access.

If your child has started to self-harm talk to your GP and a professional organisation who will be able to give you some much needed support such as Harmless or The National Self Harm Network Forum.

Remember that you are important too so it’s crucial that you are taking good care of yourself.  The more relaxed you are feeling the better able you will be to support your child.

If you are worried that your child is having suicidal thoughts seek some medical advice from your GP. Young Minds is a national charity committed to improving the emotional and mental wellbeing of all children and young adults under the age of 25. They have a parents’ helpline where you can talk your situation through with a trained adviser.

But it’s not just children, Family Lives understands that cyber bullying affects adults too. We know that cyber bullying can also have a devastating impact on adults and can make you feel extremely isolated.  It is very easy to post malicious and hurtful posts on social media sites as there is very little moderation and posts can go “live” before they can be reported.  This can leave people feeling very vulnerable and at a loss as to what they can do.

So what can adults do if they are the victims of cyber bullying

  • Report the abuse to the relevant social media site
  • Take screen shots of the abuse so you have a record even if the posts are removed
  • Involve the police if you feel nothing is being done to stop this bullying
  • If the cyber bullying is done by work colleagues, involve your HR Department so they are aware of what is going on, and give them copies of the screenshots.  Ask them to put this on your personnel file.
  • Get some legal advice if you feel this is appropriate as cyber bullying might be deemed as harassment.  Some solicitors offer a free initial consultation so make use of this.
  • You have the option of blocking the people that are cyber bullying you but this obviously doesn’t stop it from continuing.  However, if it saves you from having to see the abuse and improves your emotional wellbeing it is definitely worth considering.
  • Find out more about how to deal with cyber bullying

We know it can take time for reported posts to be removed from social media sites and this only adds to the distress that users feel.  Knowing that a post is “live” and nothing has been done to remove it can leave people feeling extremely stressed so it is important that people know what they can do.  Having someone to talk to is crucial and can be a real lifesaver.

There is no hurt as difficult as when our children hurt.  Hopefully, this little band-aid can help make it go away.

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera

Founder, Parental Wisdom®

 

Posted in Bullying, Raising children, Relationships, Uncategorized | No Comments »

You can create joy

Sunday, June 26th, 2011

Joy is not in things; it is in us. – Richard Wagner

For the past few years I’ve written about hits and misses where we get to create our own joy.  It is all around us if we are smart enough to recognize opportunities to treasure.

Misses

  • Parents, grandparents and kids out to dinner but instead of sharing conversation, laughter and stories from their grandparents, the kids play handheld games while the adults talk.
  • The dad at the farmer’s market not taking advantage of the opportunity to engage his nine-year old in discussions around the colors, textures, cultures, menus, and health benefits of fruits and vegetables.  The boy is too busy texting.
  • The mom in the stands at the little league game who misses her daughter’s line drive because she really wasn’t present.

 Hits

  • The overworked dad who opens the door at the end of the day greeted by squealing toddlers who tackle him to the ground attacking him with kisses and hugs.
  • The young woman celebrating her sweet 16 who talks about the ‘girl’ times she spent with her mom, and the moments of laughter and dancing around the kitchen she shares with her dad, as she calls them up to light her very first candle.
  • The grandparents who carefully plan ‘grancamp’ every year in a cabin with no cable TV or internet access, but rather a lake stocked with fish and a family room full of board games.

Here is homework I assign to parents at the conclusion of seminars: ask your children to share their very best memory.  I doubt it will ever be something you bought them, or an expensive vacation, but rather the silly little things you did with them.

Creating joy is that simple and inexpensive.  The summer is a great time to relax the rules, toss the schedule and really have fun.  You can expect to hear a lot more on this topic. Sign up for Twitter updates on how to have fun with the kids all summer long. 

Today’s assignment: go find joy!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Joy, Raising children, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

Raising kids that actually like each other

Sunday, May 15th, 2011

Mother’s Day is over and Father’s Day is up next.   

Moms like a spa day while dads prefer the couch, remote and watching the game.  Though parents are wired differently, there is one gift both would love – for their children to get along. 

Our children’s petty arguments put us in the role of referee.  We have to remember the last call made as they wait for the call on the current play.  In our kids’ world, that’s a clear indication of the favorite child.  

Understand that every child is meant to be an only child. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am one of six kids and love my brothers and sisters.  Better said, I love them now, but not necessarily when I was growing up.   

We have more than one child because we have so much love for our first child that we want more.  But imagine if your spouse comes home and says, “Honey, I love you so much, I want another spouse.”  Wait – that’s already a reality show!  Kidding aside, our children want our love and attention all to themselves – no sharing. 

Here is something that I guarantee works if you want your children to get along.

This idea may exist in different forms or slight variations, but if you do this you can stop all the accounting that comes with parenting, whether it’s the movie pick or choosing the story that gets read at bedtime.  It works so well, that when my kids were in high school, the teachers would ask me what we did that got my kids to be so nice to each other.

Our parenting instincts kick in when you sense something is not right.  Knowing what you don’t know is important, and fortunately you can visit Parental Wisdom® to help sort through it all.  One of those instinctive moments for me was when Michael was three and Noelle was nineteen months old.  As the older child Michael was more verbal and as a result, got his way more often.  I realized that could have been the start of the favorite child syndrome.  So I went to the calendar and wrote M (for Michael) on that day, and N (for Noelle) on the next day and did that for the rest of the month, and child of the day was born.  It didn’t matter if it was a birthday, or holiday, we always looked to the calendar to see who was the child of the day when a choice had to be made.

Child of the day is a system of responsibilities and rewards. 

Responsibilities are those in addition to a child’s chores, and the rewards are the choices a parent makes a dozen times a day which (appear to) favor one child over the next.   The kids would go right to the calendar; it was a decision that I didn’t have to make.   No more umpire stripes; I would shrug my shoulders and just follow the objective result.  It took me out of the game.

We finally stopped child of the day when they were in their late teens.  I knew it worked because I asked them separately, “who do you think is the favorite?”   They each said, “Me!”

I’m thinking of taking this to the Middle East. 

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Raising children, Siblings, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

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