Parental Wisdom® by Tina Nocera

Start the New Year appreciating what you have

January 1st, 2008

The New Year gives us a gift – a new way of looking at things.

The stores that just weeks ago were overflowing with merchandise, are now clear of anything red or green, and now offer ways to better organize and clean.

More than anything, the New Year gives us a new outlook; some people set goals and objectives, others believe it is a waste of time. What we all should do is take a moment to think about all that we have and what we can be grateful for.

• The people in our lives
• Good health
• Opportunity
• Another year to build memories

Happy New Year, and wishing you a healthy, happy and memorable 2008!

Posted in About Parental Wisdom, Family, Time | No Comments »

Please respect our privacy at this very difficult time

December 25th, 2007

My mom often says, “Don’t spit in the water, because you may have to drink it someday.”

Loosely translated that means you shouldn’t talk about other people’s kids because your kids could make the same mistakes.

The announcement of 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears’s pregnancy is not a reason to question the parenting skills of Lynne Spears or the decision to delay the release of her parenting book.

Each parent has one variable we have to constantly be reminded of – our children.

Since I’m not standing in her shoes I can’t question Lynne Spears’s parenting skills. What I can question is who is selling the photos and stories to the media.

Their older daughter has to live with constant paparazzi bombardment and would welcome privacy. Knowing that, why would the family agree to invite the media into this very difficult time.

As parents, we wear many hats. But one of the most important roles is to be our child’s advocate. That means giving them time to learn from the mistakes they make.

That is, out of the limelight.

Posted in Parenting 101, Teens | 2 Comments »

The front porch in communities

December 14th, 2007

In the book, Come On People: On the Path from Victims to Victors the authors Bill Cosby and Alvin F. Poussaint have a powerful message for families and communities as they lay out their visions for strengthening America, or for that matter the world.

They address the crises of people who are stuck because of feelings of low self-esteem, abandonment, anger, fearfulness, sadness, and feelings of being used, undefended and unprotected. These feelings often impede their ability to move forward. The authors aim to help empower people make the daunting transition from victims to victors. Come On, People! is always engaging, and loaded with heart-piercing stories of the problems facing many communities.

The issues the authors bring to light in this book are not exaggerated. But the problems to a much lesser degree are not limited to this community. Children simply exist and do not reach their potential in even the most affluent communities. The deciding factor seems of how successful a child turns out seems to revolve around how much the family and community care about the child. By success, I don’t mean to limit the discussion to grades or future earnings, but contentment and self-esteem to believe they can do anything they set their minds to.

If we want to improve the success of today’s youth we can take the approach of bringing back front porches; literally and figuratively. It’s a metaphor for people to watch out for their community and to know that each of us is known and accountable for our actions.

It does take a village to raise a child.

Tags: bill cosby, community, parenting
Posted in Family, Parenting 101 | No Comments »

Let’s Educate Not Legislate

December 8th, 2007

The work will teach you how to do it. -Estonian Proverb

Imagine if we taught our children to be good people the same way we are taught to be good parents. If done the same way, we would wait until they did something wrong, criticize, possibly incarcerate and then instruct.

Somewhat counterproductive, right?

That is what I think about the recent attempt to ban spanking in Massachusetts.

When we first become parents, our hope is that parents raise good people. On the surface that seems relatively simple; almost too simple. In reality, it is simple for a very short time; when our children are completely in our care, before the outside world has an influence. The bottom line is that parents are never taught how to be parents, and many of parent the way we were parented. If our parents spanked, we learned to spank and fear it will become out of control because we’re not the parents who go anywhere near abuse.

By doing a little homework on the topic of spanking we would learn that it is harmful. Children that hit are children that hit others; the lesson is that it is ok for the bigger person to hit. Furthermore, if we are spanking, we have probably lost our temper, which teaches our children it is ok to lose our temper, and does put us in the danger zone to become abusive. But still creating laws against spanking is simply wrong.

Consider education before legislation.

Posted in Helping Families, Parenting 101, Safety, Self Esteem, Stress | No Comments »

Have We Really Evolved?

November 27th, 2007

Parents Say Online Bullies Caused Daughter’s Suicide

When your children are little, and when they fall and hurt themselves it’s easy to kiss the hurt and apply a band-aid.

But as they get older, the world can be cold and cruel, and situations that can’t be fixed with a band-aid and kiss.

The story in recent news is incredible and makes me wonder if we’ve really evolved at all. Parents posing as a teen age boy befriend a 14-year-old girl online. The girl’s parents took all the right precautions regarding Internet safety, but after ‘Josh’ befriended their daughter, he began to say cruel and hurtful things.

The intention of the parents pretending to be Josh was to see if the girl said anything bad about their daughter. That in itself is unreal. But the story gets worse because the teenage girl was on medication for ADD and depression, and hung herself because of the cruelty.

When it was realized that this was a hoax, the girl’s parents confronted the neighborhood family that created Josh and after losing their tempers did some damage to their property, and called the police.

The law cannot do anything to the family that created this hoax, while there is a family that no longer has their little girl. She had a name – it was Megan Miers.

Please remember her name because Megan’s parents are working on legislation to change the law so this doesn’t happen to someone else’s child. When they need support, I’m sure they can count on every parent that wants to protect their children.

My heart goes out to this family, along with my support.

Tags: Bullying, Internet Safety, parents, Teens
Posted in Bullying, Internet Safety, Safety, Teens | 3 Comments »

Reality TV and our boring lives

November 25th, 2007

Have you ever watched your life from the outside looking in? If someone were to do that and look in on my life, it would not be very good television. That makes me happy. It isn’t my goal to be a guest on Dr. Phil or Nanny 911. The same applies to my friends and family.

In fact I’ve often wondered about the families that appear on these shows. Where is their ‘village’ in their lives that offer support. They either don’t have any or didn’t listen if advice was offered.

A new book is out by Dr. John Rosemon entitled “Parenting by The Book” (Howard Books, 2007), his 12th book on parenting, Rosemond attributes parental stress, frustration, anxiety, and guilt to the fact that they’ve adopted a postmodern psychological parenting paradigm that doesn’t work.

He suggests that we move away from child-centered parenting, which he believes is the cause of so many negative parenting experiences.

Without having the benefit of reading his book, I would believe his theory has some merit. I know that many families are reluctant to abandon the play dates and aggressive activity schedules simply because they would be the first to do so, and then what would their children do?

Collectively, we need to start and take back control of our families. Now is a great time to start.

Posted in Parenting 101, Play | No Comments »

Relying On Your Own Instincts

November 12th, 2007

I’ve always felt that there is a lot that business and parenting have in common, but at the top of the list is a tremendous reliance on instincts supported by good information.

This realization started for me when my kids were little and the experts said that they should cry it out when they went to sleep. That didn’t quite sit right with me. Not knowing any better, we let the kids sleep on our floor. The unspoken message was, ‘we not shutting the door on you, we’re always here for you.’

I suppose our problem is that we often look at things in black and white, when most are a bright shade of grey. The case of helicopter parenting is looked on as parenting having a long distance umbilical cord – I even wrote about this! But in reality, perhaps the difference between excessive hovering and parenting is simply about being there when needed.

Seems pretty black and white to me.

Posted in College Age, Parenting 101 | No Comments »

Defining your Family Culture

November 4th, 2007

Here all mankind is equal: rich and poor alike. They love their children.

-Euripides

When you were growing up, there were different kinds of families. Did you ever wonder how they got that way? Somebody defined them.

Now, you are the grown up and you get to set the stage. Think of your home as your castle, where members of the family feel loved, safe, and unafraid of making mistakes. When family members do something that is not acceptable, they will know that at home they are loved, but that the negative behavior needs to change as it compromises the home environment and everyone in it.

One of the most powerful things you can do is to create a family culture, which defines your family as something unique.

Creating a Family Culture

Define your family. Even create a mission statement. Example: “Our home is a safe haven where family members are loved unconditionally and encouraged to pursue their own passion.”
• Have one message. Despite different parenting styles; have a single voice.
• Treat your family as you would company. Why wait to put out the good dishes and fancy tablecloth?
• Establish meaningful and even silly traditions. When they grow up, children will remember that snow days always meant hot chocolate.
• Have fun. Did you ever notice kids don’t have to be told to dance on the bubble wrap?
• Enjoy every stage of parenting. If you’re rushing through one stage, what makes you think that you’ll enjoy the next?

Exerpted from Because Kids Don’t Come With Manuals®: Contemporary Advice for Parents by Tina Nocera

Posted in Family | 1 Comment »

The Kids Are Always Watching

October 29th, 2007

The families of two 5th-graders involved in a pushing incident are called in for a counseling session after words between families were exchanged. After the counseling session ended, an argument and altercation outside the school followed. When it was over, the father of one of the boys was dead.

How do our children learn? What do our children learn? They learn from us, their first and most important teachers. They learn how to behave, how to resolve arguments without violence, and they learn that sometimes they are wrong.

Scenario

Two best friends try out for the high school varsity cheering squad. Tracy makes it; Allie doesn’t. They walk home together in silence. Allie walks in her house, tosses down her book bag, and tells her mom, “I can’t believe she didn’t say a word to me. I can’t believe she didn’t say, ‘I’m sorry you didn’t make it!’” At the same time, Tracy arrives home in tears. “I can’t believe she didn’t congratulate me,” she tells her mother.

A parent has a tremendous opportunity to help her child, and at the risk of hyperbole, even get us closer to world peace, by pointing out to her child the other person’s point of view. What if the same scenario played a little differently?

What if Allie’s mom replied, “Honey, maybe Tracy was struggling with feeling good about making the squad and feeling guilty that you didn’t. It’s very possible that she simply didn’t know what to say.”

Tracy’s mom could have replied, “Tracy, put yourself in her shoes for a moment. Allie was really disappointed that she didn’t make it. Give her a day to deal with that.”

The world looks very different when you hear the same scenario from the other person’s perspective.

What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.
-Mother Teresa

Posted in Communication, Empathy, Parenting 101 | No Comments »