Archive for the ‘respect’ Category

No apology needed if you skip the behavior

Sunday, June 24th, 2012

There were two incidents in the news that should cause us to stop and ask an important question; if we judge the degree of civilization of a society by the way it treats its weakest members, then how do we measure up?  

Those incidents involved the two weakest members in our society; the young and the old. 

The Young -The Sandusky trial ended this week with a conviction on 45 of 48 criminal counts related to the alleged assault of 10 boys over a 15-year period.  In an earlier blog, I wrote, Do We Need Laws to Protect our Children?  Sandusky will get life sentence; just like his victims.

The Old –Karen Klein was a bus lady mercilessly taunted by seventh grade boys. 

There was a public outcry on both issues; now come the public apologies.

When are we going to learn that it is better to stop bad behavior in its tracks? Why were there so many Sandusky victims?  What was legally done was not enough.  Were there no students on the bus that could stand up for the bus lady?

Between the young and old are the rest of us, and we are expected to do the right thing, right away.  

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

 

Posted in Accountability, Empathy, respect, Responsibility | No Comments »

We need to listen before we can empathize

Sunday, April 15th, 2012

He opens his wallet and pulls out a picture of an adorable infant.  “My grandson,” he said beaming with pride.  “How wonderful for you,” I reply.   He then says that his daughter plans to stay home because she wants to raise him.  The hair on the back of my neck stands up, but I say nothing.  He has no idea that he just insulted all women who return to work after having children.  He doesn’t realize that working mothers raise their children and work.  I can’t expect him to understand that any more than he can understand what it is like to be pregnant.

But I expect women to be more supportive of each other.  We have come far and are able to make choices. There are women that have to work, women who don’t have to work, and women who choose to work.  Hillary Rosen was criticized for the comment that Ann Romney never worked a day in her life was taken out of context.  She wasn’t critical of Ann Romney for making the choice to stay-at-home, she simply wanted to point out that due to the economy many women simply don’t have that as a choice.  The critics didn’t listen.

No one should be judging what is right or wrong; it’s only your choice.  Let’s reserve judgment for jury duty.

In the meanwhile, focus on your own physical, spiritual and mental health and on being really good parents. Yes, there I said it!  Let’s not forget that fathers are the other half of the equation we call parents which is not dependent on whether or not moms work.   

Viva la choice!

Have a good week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Family Friendly America, Parenting 101, respect | 3 Comments »

How do you ask?

Sunday, August 15th, 2010

“The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.”  -Fred Astaire

Visit a household with young children and you’re likely to hear a parent saying, “How do you ask?” which of course is the age old lesson in the use of the magic words, please and thank you.

This week, I again find myself out on a limb, assuming the parents of the Jet Blue flight attendant and woman passenger that fueled his behavior took the same approach when their kids were little.

If that’s true, then what happened?

  1. Are our fuses shorter than ever?
  2. Is technology causing life to move so fast we don’t have time to be courteous?
  3. As we witness bad behavior, do we allow it, excuse it, and even encourage more of it?

What happened is more than simply reinforcing manners; it is also an opportunity for business.  Since the time they were little, I’ve pointed out to my children that if they aren’t treated in a courteous manner, they have the greatest power in the world – they can go somewhere else with their money.

If the woman passenger had done that, we wouldn’t have been reading about it at all.   Everything is a lesson, isn’t it?

Be sure to visit Parental Wisdom’s advisor Barbara Gilmour’s website Tanners Manners.

Extra credit – ask any employer and they will tell you that in this tough job market or any job market – manners count!

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

If you would like to hear this blog broadcast, click manners.

Posted in Manners, Patience, respect, Uncategorized | 31 Comments »

Are you building or ruining the relationship?

Sunday, June 27th, 2010

Question: What do these situations have in common?

  1. The three-year-old having a meltdown on the check out line at Target
  2. The seven-year-old who could put in more effort at school
  3. The eighteen-year-old high school senior looking at colleges

Answer(s):

  1. They all create a certain amount of stress for parents
  2. They are NOT life threatening
  3. They ARE relationship threatening

What does that mean?

These situations become stressful because we sometimes care more about what other people think, and as a result let that influence the way we handle situations with our children.

Let’s reset the scenarios a bit:

Why is the three-year-old having a meltdown?

Did he nap?  Is he hungry?  Did you plan a marathon shopping day and this is the tail end of the six-hour trip?  Did she see something the store put as an impulse item that they want?

The looks from other people on line do not matter!

All that does matter is your relationship with your child.  The meltdown usually starts low and slowly, so you can plan your exit strategy, even if that means abandoning your shopping cart.  Make the best decision you can given that set of circumstances.

The same could be said of the effort of a grade school child.  You’re right to ask the child to do his/her best in school, and choose to be a good role model in terms of work ethic.  But realize that education works best for those who are good at following rules.  Don’t get stressed about your child not having straight A’s and instead be more concerned about their love of learning and ability to think for themselves.  When family and friends ask how the kids are doing, it’s OK they are healthy and happy.  You don’t have to ‘report’ on their report card as if it measures how well you’re doing as a parent.

The high school senior looking at colleges has more stress than he or she can handle.  Don’t let the opinions or questions of caring and concerned family and friends add to that stress.

Think of the questions they are being asked:

  1. What college are you going to?
  2. What major are you choosing?
  3. What do you want to do for the rest of your life?

Really?  Do those questions seem reasonable?

I would like to be the voice of all parents in response to family and friends and strangers with good intentions:

Thank you for your concern, now please mind your own business.  Amen!

To see the patented Parental Wisdom® concept and multiple answers to these and other questions, you can learn more and become a member.  It’s free and you are anonymous.   It really is a better mousetrap.

p.s. This is the kind of advice you should share with your friends.

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Posted in Parenting 101, respect, School Age, Teens, Toddlers | 3 Comments »

Dad’s don’t usually ask for directions

Saturday, June 19th, 2010

On Father’s Day we celebrate men who never thought they would enjoy changing diapers and hosting tea parties donning straw hats and feather boas.  They are the father’s who choose to be dads, and they wouldn’t change a thing.

When I started the Parental Wisdom® concept a number of years ago, everyone assumed we would hear from moms.  But I’m happy to tell you that a large number of questions come from fathers; some that will break your heart such as this…

I am divorced for a short while, after being separated for several years. My 16-year-old daughter is awful to me and she yells “I hate you” and even curses at me even in public. I am sure she blames me for leaving her mom, but my other two children (boys, one older and one younger) seem to be dealing with the divorce fine. My problem is that I have no control over discipline. I would never speak to anyone the way she speaks to me, let alone a parent. But since she doesn’t live with me, her mother is the disciplinarian and always with my daughter. And I don’t believe that my daughter speaks to her mother or anyone else the way she talks to me. I love my daughter, but I can’t let anyone, especially not my own child, speak to me in such a terrible way. When I can pick the kids up, she never wants to come, but the boys and I have a good time together. I don’t know what to do.

To see the answers from Parental Wisdom’s expert advisers, click here

To all moms: today, as we celebrate Father’s Day, whether you are married to children’s  father or not, please remember that he is the father of your children.  Keep the ties, teach and encourage respect, and remember each father has the right to be a dad.

p.s. Thanks to Dr. Vicki for the terrific subject line.

Anonymous
4 years: My Daddy can do anything!
7 years: My Dad knows a lot…a whole lot.
8 years: My father does not know quite everything.
12 years: Oh well, naturally Father does not know that either.
14 years: Oh, Father? He is hopelessly old-fashioned.
21 years: Oh, that man-he is out of date!
25 years: He knows a little bit about it, but not much.
30 years: I must find out what Dad thinks about it.
35 years: Before we decide, we will get Dad’s idea first.
50 years: What would Dad have thought about that?
60 years: My Dad knew literally everything!
65 years: I wish I could talk it over with Dad once more.

Posted in Divorce, fathers, respect | 3 Comments »

I Matter

Sunday, May 2nd, 2010

Respect for ones parents is the highest duty of civil life.  -Chinese Proverb

A few weeks ago, I heard something on the news that was so shocking that I was pretty sure I heard incorrectly.

I didn’t.

A Freeport teenager charged with crashing a van into a house, killing a woman gardening, told police she didn’t feel so bad after learning the victim’s age.  Kayla Gerdes, 18, was quoted in a written statement to police saying: “The thing that made me feel not so bad was she was old.” The comments were reported by Newsday, citing court records. She added: “I mean 70 years is a long time to live.”

It’s been a long time coming.

Recently, I noticed a family including a mom, dad, grandparents and three children out to dinner.  While the mom and dad spoke with their parents, the three children wore the glow of hand-held video games.  They were not invited to be part of the conversation, but instead quietly occupied so the dinner experience was pleasant but missing a perfect opportunity for the children to connect.

If your children are not taught to respect the elders in your family, then the elders in your family will become just as this young woman said, old.

What grandparents want is the opportunity to know and love their grandchildren, and even better to share their wisdom and history of family.

With this coming mother’s day and father’s day, save money on the shirts and scarves, and encourage your children to give the purity of their attention.

Teach your children that we all matter.

See “Creating a Family Culture” –Parental Wisdom – Reports

Do you have a point of view on this topic?  Visit the Parental Wisdom forum to start a topic.  See I Matter.

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder
Parental Wisdom®

Posted in respect, Uncategorized | 4 Comments »

Before you gossip, ask these three questions

Saturday, March 27th, 2010

I recently read a story by the Associated Press, “There’s been a sharp drop in the percentage of America’s children being bullied or beaten up by their peers, according to a new national survey by experts who believe anti-bullying programs are having an impact.”

Did the study take cyber bullying into account?

Not if you ask the family of Alexis Pilkington, the Suffolk County 17-year old girl that recently took her life.  Cyber bullies left cruel and hurtful messages on her Facebook Memorial Page.

As the courts try to sort through first amendment rights and what constitutes defamation, there might be a better solution; one that has stood the test of time.

“Before you speak, ask yourself, is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?”

This simple yet elegant quote is from the nineteenth century guru Sai Baba. It helps us to understand the importance of mindful speech.  We’re uncomfortable with silence, so we fill the void with words.  But those words can be hurtful and painful whether in person or cyberspace.

If you would like to learn more about dealing with cyber bullying watch this video from Free Spirit Publishing.

Teaching our children to use the triple filter questioning method ‘is it kind, is it necessary, is it true’ might not stop them from being a victim, but it will stop them from being the bully.

If we all did that it could result in something really remarkable.

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera
Founder, Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Bullying, Internet Safety, Media & Marketing, respect, Uncategorized | 69 Comments »

Nutley Parents paying for detention – what do you think?

Sunday, November 22nd, 2009

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. – Dr. Seuss

Having raised my children in Nutley, NJ I read the newstory surrounding the consideration of charging parents for the costs associated with detention with great interest.

First of all, kudos to the Board members that had the courage to raise the question. Most people sit in the comfortable position of challenging the question and answer like a Monday morning quarterback, but lack the creativity to think differently in the first place.

So before I weigh in on the topic, (yes, I am playing the role of the Monday morning quarterback) I am grateful to the original thinkers, School Board members Steve Rogers and Walter Sautter for recognizing an opportunity to make things better.

My opinion is that we would be better served to have the students do something to improve the school rather than being babysat in a classroom.

* In the cases where they can be directly tied to an offense such as grafitti, they should be held accountable to clean it up.

* Where they were sent to dentention for being rude, late or other disciplinary actions, I am sure there is a laundry list of school clean up, repair activities or administrative work that always needs to be done. In that way, the students are the ones paying the price, not their parents.

After all, the purpose of an education is about learning, and it seems as if the students in detention are the ones that need the lesson. Your thoughts?

[polldaddy poll=2288619]

Posted in About Parental Wisdom, Accountability, Education, respect, Responsibility | 52 Comments »

Is real life really like high school?

Sunday, October 18th, 2009

high school
I’ve heard it said that real life is like high school; full of uncertainly, figuring out who you are and how you fit in and what group(s) you belong to. Yesterday, I attended my 35 year high school reunion from St. Edmunds, which at that time was an all girl school.

If that statement is true, that real life is like high school; the outlook is good. We’ve grown up, gotten over the things that bothered us, though I did overhear a few “You know, you made my life hell” comments, but all in all what you remember, as the great Streisand so aptly sings in “The Way We Were” is,

it’s the laughter that we’ll remember.

The best feeling I came away with is that as women we’ve learned how to be good friends which in high school seemed as if it was much more of a challenge. Good lesson to teach our own daughters.

All the best to the class of 1974.

It’s the friends you can call up at four a.m. that matter.
-Marlene Dietrich, German movie actress (1901 – 1992)

Posted in Friendship, respect, Teens | 1 Comment »

How do you teach respect?

Sunday, August 16th, 2009

respect

I’ve been noticing the way parents talk to their children and realize the respect and attention they show their children is what the children will learn.

Is it really that easy?

Posted in About Parental Wisdom, Parenting 101, respect | 6 Comments »