Parental Wisdom® by Tina Nocera

April Showers brings….stress?

May 9th, 2007

This time of year is especially difficult for parents. Doesn’t it seem as if we have to be a number of places at the same time – all the time? Kids sports, school spring concerts and family events seem to collide.

I used to think that holidays were a stressful time of year. But that was BC (before children) and all the events associated with having children that seem to make life more challenging. Here are a few simple ways to make life easier:

Think Nancy Regan – Just say no. But figure out who you should say no to. The people that matter most in your life should be on top of the yes list. You know that already; this is just a friendly reminder.
No it isn’t possible for you to attend two of your children’s games across town at the same time – they haven’t yet been successful at cloning parents. Don’t be guilted by this, and be in one place and pay attention. Each child will get his or her own personal attention from you.
This will sound like a contradiction but it makes sense – get up 15 minutes earlier and still get more sleep. Yes, that means forget the late night talk shows and turn in a little earlier.
Everybody is on the road along with you, so allow more time than you need
Permission granted – so the house is a little dusty – haven’t you seen the poem circling the world via email about the cobwebs and kids? Here is the abbreviated version – The kids grow up very fast so the cobwebs can wait. Any questions?
Ignore the phones – all of them, at least for a little while
Prevention is a cure – fix little problems before they become big ones like low tire pressure, gas in the car, milk in the house making extra copies of keys before you lose them. Hide them or give one to a neighbor..
Does it make sense to buy in bulk this time of year – yes!
Cook ahead and invite the kids to help in the planning and preparation on a Sunday for the week ahead.
Ask them to figure out ways to manage better and then ask them to sign up to help. Who can set the table, take out the trash, fold the towels, etc. Remind them they are part of a family.
Pick your battles
Talk to a calm friend about the things you don’t see that might be causing you unneeded stress
Add an ounce of love to all that you do especially for those that you love
Laugh – research has proven that laughter is a great stress reducer. With kids I’m sure you can find something to laugh about.
Breathe – Live by the airline rule – parents put on your oxygen mask before you put on your child’s. Translation – take care of yourself so you can take care of your family.

Remember – most people are doing the best they can – so are you.

Posted in Daily Inspirational Call, Stress | No Comments »

Getting to Parent Heaven

May 8th, 2007

Do you think there is a parent heaven?

You would certainly hope so. After all, there should be some kind of a reward for all this hard but wonderful work.

Nature protects us from initially understanding this job. As you watch nervous first time parents coming home from the hospital they are so concerned about getting the car seat in properly, and then getting the baby in the car seat properly and finally surviving the first night home that they don’t realize something very important.

They are not only bringing home a baby, they are also bringing home a future learners’ permit carrying driver – yes, let me just say it – a teenager. Wheh! Thank God they don’t figure that out or they would take up permanent residence in the hospital under the watchful eye of professionals.

But still, there lessons are every day, and as parenting experiences pile up. Much like the children’s game of Chutes and Ladders, each day you get a step closer to winning, or in our case parent heaven. Naturally there are qualifiers such as going to Chuck E Cheese twice. Anyone that goes once can be excused because you don’t have a clue what you’re getting into. But when you do that second time, you are going with eyes wide open.

If you’ve ever sat through an entire season of little league games that start in March when you’re carrying your thermos of hot cocoa and wearing your parka and the games that end just before the 4th of July in the sweltering heat.

Another express pass to parent heaven is given to anyone that goes to a 4th grade recorder recital. The sounds coming from the stage of fifty 4th graders playing hot cross buns are enough to make your ears bleed. But we’re parents, and we react as if we’re hearing the sounds of the great classical musician Joshua Bell. We are there for our children and don’t mind any of these things at all, in fact they are a privilege.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Posted in Daily Inspirational Call, Parenting 101 | No Comments »

Mom’s the Word

May 7th, 2007

Since 1872, the second Sunday of May has been the national observance of Mother’s Day. I’m bringing this subject up on Monday and not waiting until Friday which is too late for you to think about it.

If you forget to pick up groceries on the way home, not good but forgivable. If you forgot to feed the dog, not bad enough for you to end up in the doghouse, but if you forget mother’s day and I can assure you there won’t be a large enough place for you to hide.

According to Dr. John Gray author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, we are from different planets, but let me help you to understand what it is that mothers do.

As you know, there is no job description for the role, but I’ve taken the liberty of putting something together defining 141 roles. You can get a complete copy by visiting Parental Wisdom – Free Reports and print out your own copy of Mom’s Job Description.

The job of a mom is interesting in the sense that you hope that what you do not only enriches your life, but the life of others as well. Current research, much of it contradictory leaves us with a constant nagging sense of guilt and doubt. But we’re smarter than that. You know you’re doing ok, just look at your child.

A young mom I know was feeling uncertain as we all do from time to time thinking she wasn’t doing a good enough job. She and her little three-year old daughter were in the food market when someone accidentally cut the little girl off from her mother not realizing they were together.

In her most polite, but assertive big girl voice she said, “Excuse me miss, but I need to get to my mom.” The woman realizing what happened immediately moved her shopping cart and looked up at the mom and gave her a very assuring smile. The mom felt good and realized that in the behavior of her very polite little girl, maybe she is making a difference.

Unlike other jobs where you get you raises, reviews, promotions, benefits and vacations, this is a job where you have to find your own rewards. Keep your eyes open because they’re there every day. The sticky wet kisses on the playground, the toothless smiles from the stage of the spring musicale, the high fives when he rounds third base or the teenager that still talks to you. And yes, polite little three-year-old girls.

Posted in Moms | No Comments »

Family Traditions

May 4th, 2007

We recently talked about creating a family culture. From that culture, rituals and traditions begin. Children love rituals because it helps them to feel secure. Have you noticed that when you do something twice, kids immediately call it a tradition? Actually a lot of good parenting can come from watching our children’s reaction to things; both good and bad.

Now I love Friday nights because that means it is the end of the work week, and more time we could spend together as a family. I made it even better by giving myself the night off from cooking every Friday night.

When my kids were little, I would pick the kids up from nursery school after work, we would head over to the Chinese restaurant which was strategically placed next door to Blockbuster. Our tradition started innocently enough, with a little song Chinese food and movies. Next it evolved into a silly little dance, a sort of conga. You had to see this – I’m in a business suit, doing this conga dance and singing this song as I move with my little kids from the Chinese restaurant as we placed our order, then to rent a movie and back to pick up the food. We would come home, get into comfy clothes and veg out. Though my kids are big now, I still carry on the tradition of not cooking on Friday nights.

There are many simple traditions families have like taking a walk or playing cards after dinner. Some have seasonal traditions like apple picking in the fall, berry picking in the spring, cutting down a Christmas tree, indoor campouts, or fishing.

Children value these simple times. What are your favorite family traditions?

You can visit Parental Wisdom and print out the free report Wonderful Family traditions.

Talk to you on Monday. Have a great weekend and Happy Friday!

Posted in Daily Inspirational Call, Family | No Comments »

Creating a Family Culture

May 2nd, 2007

When asked how he went about his work, the great artist Michelangleo said that if given a block of stone and asked to carve an angel, he would simply take his hammer and chisel and carve away anything that didn’t look like an angel.

That is an interesting perspective we can use when raising children. What if we could chip away at the behaviors we didn’t want our children to have. Instead, what if we helped to shape the positive behaviors we wanted our children to exhibit? Better yet, what if we focused on raising the kind of a person we want our children to become? Just imagine that you have clay and were able to mold your child.

You have to agree that despite all the outside influences, you are still the greatest influence. I know it is really tough work to raise a child, but think of it this way. It is easier to build a child than it is to repair an adult.

Taking it a step further, think about the kind of a family and home you want? Growing up you must remember different kinds of families. There was the fun family, the yellers, and there was the family whose home was like a museum, where everything was covered in plastic and roped off. Did you ever wonder how that happens? You’re in charge now and you get to choose. But we have to do that consciously and figure out what kind of a family you want.

It begins with a definition of family, which can simply be defined as people loving and caring for one another, no matter where they live or with whom they live. It is helpful to associate language around what you believe, for example, “We are a family that loves each other unconditionally, and encourages differing opinions but always respects one another. We are a family that loves to spend time together having fun.” Make it up – but make it happen. In the case of blended families, this becomes even more important. Consider what happens with a merger and acquisition – two companies come together which is exactly what a blended family is.

Something to think about.

To print out Creating a Family Culture visit Parental Wisdom and click on free reports

Posted in Daily Inspirational Call, Family | 1 Comment »

Elvis Presley, Socrates and Parenting

May 1st, 2007

Welcome to the very first Parental Wisdom daily inspirational call.

Let’s step back in time. It’s Sunday evening, September 9th, 1956. 60 million viewers representing 82.6% of the television viewing audience, the largest in history are tuned in to watch the very young, very handsome, Elvis Presley gyrate across the small screen.

I would imagine that the topic of discussion over the back fences of America that next day were largely centered around a great concern that the nation’s teenagers were headed down the road of moral decay because of this new rock music. What were these parents going to do? What I wouldn’t give to have that as our biggest problem today!

Every generation of parents believes that they have a more difficult time that the generation of parents that went before them. If perception is reality, than this is true. But to be fair, I’d like to share something,

“Children today love luxury too much. They have terrible manners, flaunt authority, and have no respect for their elders. They no longer rise when their parents or teachers enter the room. What kind of awful creatures will they become when they grow up?”

Socrates 400 BC

Perhaps the more things change, the more they stay the same. But in terms of parenting, can anybody have children? Perhaps there should be some qualifiers Here are a few things to think about before having children.

Would you want to have you as a parent?
Do you treat the people that matter in your life as well as you should?
Do you believe it is your job as a parent to tell a child what to think or how to think?

For the complete list of 10 Things to Consider Before Having Children visit Parental Wisdom and click on Free Reports where you can print out your own copy.

A special thanks to Dr. Rob Gilbert, professor at Montclair State University in NJ and the inspiration behind this concept.

Posted in Daily Inspirational Call, Parenting 101 | 4 Comments »

The Definition of Insanity

April 23rd, 2007

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein, (attributed) US (German-born) physicist (1879 – 1955)

I’m not sure how we expect things to get better when we aren’t doing anything differently. We have to understand a problem before we can fix it. Unfortunately, we aren’t giving current problems enough attention to actually fix them, so they come back to haunt us.

What you’ll see below is our child-like ability to be easily distracted by the next big news story. Let’s step back a few years and look at the news stories just before 9/11.

In the year 2000, we were watching a million moms march to protect us from gun violence, but that lost news coverage.

If you recall, that summer prior to 9/11 was the summer of shark attacks. Did we ever figure out what prompted the attacks?

That is until the search for missing former intern Chandra Levy focused the spotlight on U.S. Rep. Gary Condit. Did we ever figure out who killed Chandra Levy?

The mystery with Chandra Levy’s disappearance was dramatically overshadowed by the 9/11 attacks; also know as the day the world changed. Did we ever find Osama Bin Laden?

In more recent news we had a series of child abductions where both 13-year-old Ben Ownby and 15-year-old Shawn Hornbeck were found at an apartment in Kirkwood, miles from the rural locations where the boys disappeared 4 1/2 years apart, but we still don’t protect our children well enough from predators.

That story was overshadowed by a diaper clad Lisa Nowak, a Navy captain, accused of accosting Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman, 30, in the parking lot of Orlando International Airport early Monday and spraying her with pepper spray.

The astronaut story was overshadowed by the death of Anna Nicole Smith which took over the headlines for a very long time.

Which was then overshadowed by Don Imus’s comments about the Rutgers Women’s Basketball team. These were not new comments or new problems – just news. But we are distracted once again, and won’t stop to resolve the root cause of the Imus comments or racial tension that still exists.

Because the Imus comments were overshadowed by the shootings at Virgina Tech which just seem to bring us back to the first line of this blog – protecting us against gun violence.

We certainly qualify under Einstein’s definition of insanity.

Posted in College Age, Empathy, Helping Families, Media & Marketing, Safety, Social Conscious, You're Not the Boss of Me | 40 Comments »

Virgina Tech 4/16 is a 9/11 Like Numbness

April 17th, 2007

Time heals what reason cannot. – Seneca

We felt the same numbness in the days following 9/11.

Families looking for their children were a reminder of the families looking for loved ones in the post 9/11 days where pictures and names were posted. At that time, postings were on walls surrounding Ground Zero, in local hospitals, churches and make shift memorials.

Yesterday, names were posted on newly posted websites sharing whatever information they could. Some read names of those missing, while others were listed under the category ‘OK’ and sadly there were posts of those deceased.

The frightening events of those moments were captured in a student’s cell cam video where we can hear the chilling sounds of bullets being fired.

Where and when will our children be safe?

For now, our prayers go to the victims’ families and friends and we hope the long process of healing can begin. More than anything, let’s pray these awful stories end.

May 18, 1927

Bath, Mich.: Andrew Kehoe, a school board official, kills his wife, then blows up the town’s school, killing more than 40 people, including himself.

Aug. 1, 1966

Austin, Tex.: Charles J. Whitman kills 16 and injures 31 from atop the University of Texas tower.

Jan. 16, 1979

San Diego, Calif.: Brenda Spencer, 16, waits outside the Cleveland Elementary School for the principal to open the school. For 20 minutes, she fired on arriving students and teachers. She killed the principal and school caretaker, and injured nine students between the ages of 6 and 12. She then went home and waited for police to arrive. “. . . I just did it for the fun of it. . . . ,” Spencer told police. She was convicted on two counts of murder and is serving two 25-to-life sentences.

Dec. 1, 1997

West Paducah, Ky.: Michael Carneal, 14, fatally shoots three classmates and wounds five at a high school prayer meeting.

May 20, 1988

Winnetka, Ill.: A mentally ill woman named Laurie Dann steps into a second-grade classroom with two handguns and opens fire, killing a child and wounding five others. Dann flees the school and later kills herself.

Feb. 2 1996

Moses Lake, Wash.: Barry Loukaitis, 14, walks into algebra class at a junior high school and opens fire with a hunting rifle. The teacher and two students are killed, and one student is wounded. He is convicted in 1997 of two counts of aggravated first-degree murder and sentenced to two life terms without parole.

Oct. 1, 1997

Pearl, Miss.: Luke Woodham, 16, stabs his mother to death before going to Pearl High School and shooting nine students. Two die, including Woodham’s ex-girlfriend; seven others are wounded. Woodham is convicted as an adult in June 1998. He is serving three life sentences.

Dec. 1, 1997

West Paducah, Ky.: Three students are killed and five wounded while praying in a school hallway. A 14-year-old, Michael Carneal, is arrested and pleads guilty but mentally ill to three counts of murder and six other charges related to the shootings. He was sentenced Dec. 17 to life in prison without possibility of parole for 25 years.

March 24, 1998

Jonesboro, Ark.: A 13-year-old boy and his 11-year-old cousin open fire outside a middle school, killing four girls and a teacher and injuring 11 others.

April 24, 1998

Edinboro, Pa.: Andrew Wurst, 14, is arrested for shooting to death science teacher John Gillette in front of students at a middle school graduation dance. Two 14-year-old boys are wounded. Wurst will be tried as an adult.

May 19, 1998

Fayetteville, Tenn.: Jacob Davis, an 18-year-old honor student, fatally shoots a classmate in the school’s parking lot. The victim was dating his ex-girlfriend. Davis awaits trial.

May 21, 1998

Springfield, Ore.: Kip Kinkel, 15, fatally shoots four and wounds dozens after being suspended a day earlier for bringing a gun to school.

June 15, 1998

Richmond, Va.: Quinshawn Booker, a 14-year-old student who is angry at a classmate, opens fire in a crowded high school hallway, wounding a 45-year-old social studies teacher and a 74-year-old Head Start volunteer. Booker pleads guilty to five charges and will remain at a school for troubled boys until he completes its program.

April 20, 1999

Near Littleton, Colo.: After planning for a year, Eric Harris, 18, and Dylan Klebold, 17, kill 12 students and a teacher and wound dozens before killing themselves at Columbine High School.

March 21, 2005

Red Lake, Minn.: On an Indian reservation, Jeff Weise, 16, kills his grandfather and a companion, five fellow students, a teacher and a security guard before killing himself.

Aug. 24, 2006

Essex, Vt.:2 Dead In Vermont School Shooting Police: Elementary School Teacher Possibly Killed; 4 Others Injured

Oct. 2, 2006

Nickel Mines, Pa.: Charles C. Roberts IV, 32, shoots 11 girls execution-style at an Amish school, killing four of them and wounding seven.

Posted in About Parental Wisdom, Empathy, Safety | 15 Comments »

Don’t Lose the Lesson

April 14th, 2007

We need to be reminded of the children’s poem “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never harm me.” After listening to the articulate and heartfelt comments by the Rutger’s team of talented, educated young women and their coach we know that it is not true; words can harm you.

Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn’t mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar. – Edward R. Murrow

These ‘wrongs’ are protected by our rights. This country is still the greatest experiment in the world and does allow freedom of speech. We are divided various issues that largely center on the words we use and who can use them. This is a slippery slope. Who will make decisions on freedom of speech?

Don’t lose all the lessons that we’ve learned from this news du jour experience. Discuss what happened with your children and most importantly how they should treat people. Why was this offensive comment highlighted when Don Imus and others have a history of making offensive comments? There were a number of reasons:

The comments made by Don Imus were targeted to a specific group. Much like tossing a pebble in small pond, the ripple effect of those comments was hurtful to real people. While other comments are equally offensive or worse, they impact such a broad audience that people don’t feel the comments are directed to them and tend to be ignored, similar to tossing a pebble in an ocean. It would require a large group to mobilize and challenge those comments and hold the offender accountable.

We are in a world of 24-hour news, YouTube and convergence of technology so you will see those comments hundreds if not thousands of times. Important for young people to remember that pictures and video captured and posted on the Internet is there forever, so don’t be foolish about what you do and say.

Address the root cause of the situation and explain to your children why stereotypes are unfair and wrong, and encourage them when disagreeing with someone how to deal with that. Name calling is clearly not a solution.

Explain that when children feel something is wrong, they have a choice and can call a sponsor to say that content is offensive. If they feel very strongly about it, they can let the sponsor know that if the sponsor continues to support a particular show, as a consumer, you will no longer be a customer.

Finally, let’s celebrate and discuss the news we should – the accomplishment of these young women to reach the NCAA finals. They earned and deserved that moment.

They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
Andy Warhol, The Philosophy of Andy Warhol US artist (1928 – 1987)

Posted in About Parental Wisdom, Communication, Empathy | 2 Comments »

Thank Heaven for Little Girls

April 10th, 2007

In a scene from the movie Mean Girls, an eight-year old girl pulls up her shirt while dancing in front of the television watching a commercial for Girls Gone Wild.

Girls get this message repeatedly: What matters is how “hot” they look. It plays on TV and across the Internet. You hear it in song lyrics and music videos. You see it in movies, electronic games, and clothing stores. It’s a constant, powerful message.

Fortunately as a result of pressure, Hasbro has canceled plans to produce a line of fashion dolls modeled on the pop act the Pussycat Dolls after parents objected to the group’s racy image.

Hasbro saw the Dolls series as a line that would fit in with — and compete against — the Bratz fashion dolls from MGA Entertainment. But an advocacy group, Dads and Daughters, recently mounted a letter-writing campaign pressing the company to shelve the Dolls line.

SEXUALIZATION OF GIRLS IS LINKED TO COMMON MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS IN GIRLS AND WOMEN—EATING DISORDERS, LOW SELF-ESTEEM, AND DEPRESSION; AN APA TASK FORCE REPORTS

Psychologists call for replacing sexualized images of girls in media and advertising with positive ones

A report of the American Psychological Association (APA) found evidence that the proliferation of sexualized images of girls and young women in advertising, merchandising, and media is harmful to girls’ self-image and healthy development.

“The consequences of the sexualization of girls in media today are very real and are likely to be a negative influence on girls’ healthy development,” says Eileen L. Zurbriggen, PhD, chair of the APA Task Force and associate professor of psychology at the University of California, Santa Cruz. “We have ample evidence to conclude that sexualization has negative effects in a variety of domains, including cognitive functioning, physical and mental health, and healthy sexual development.”

As parents, you can teach girls to value themselves for who they are, rather than how they look. You can teach boys to value girls as friends, sisters, and girlfriends, rather than as sexual objects. And, much like the Dads & Daughters organization, you can advocate for change with manufacturers and media producers.

Our little girls have a right to be little.

Tina Nocera is the founder of Parental Wisdom, a patented parenting website.

Posted in About Parental Wisdom, Family Friendly America, Media & Marketing, Parenting 101 | 3 Comments »