Sometimes you need to have an awkward conversation

February 28th, 2013

It’s easier when things remain unsaid, whether it is where to celebrate the next family holiday, or (not) dealing with a difficult neighbor.  Ignoring a situation doesn’t make it go away and certainly doesn’t solve it. 

The easy choice is not having the awkward conversation; unless it matters.  An example is when your teenager is invited to a party. 

Trust, but verify is a good rule when dealing with teens.  Instruct your teen that they are to call you from the house phone when they get to a party.  This way you can verify they are there.   But you need to do one better; ask to speak to the parents. 

Here comes the awkward part which goes something like this:

Hi this is Johnny’s mom.  I just wanted to make sure that

A)        He was invited

B)        A parent was home

C)         There would be no alcohol

Don’t be surprised if there is awkward silence or harsh reply.  But that awkward conversation is much easier to take then the knock on your door at 2am letting you know your child is hurt or worse.

In this case, I would always opt for the awkward conversation.   For those readers with younger children, spoiler alert – parenting teens is really hard, like nailing jello to a tree!

Best wishes,

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Communication, Relationships, Teens | 5 Comments »

Choosing to recover from Sandy Hook

January 5th, 2013

  

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.” — Mister Rogers

I drove on Rt. 95 North in Connecticut today and spotted a billboard that said, ‘Sandy Hook chooses love’.  Perhaps that is how we begin to recover, we choose love.  

The young students of Sandy Hook returned to school this week to familiar surroundings thanks to thoughtful community support. They lit up when they saw their desks, book bags, teachers and friends.   Children are wonderfully resilient and always looking for the good in people.  They look to love.

This holiday season, there was a deep sadness we felt for the victims’ families because we knew that it wasn’t just this Christmas they would be missing, but every Christmas, every birthday, every first day of school.  There is an emptiness that won’t end for the families.

We’re also filled with fear that this could happen anywhere to anyone.  When our children ask if they are safe, how do we honestly respond?  How do we confidently send them off to school?

I’ve thought about this a lot since the Sandy Hook Elementary school incident happened, and wondered how we could answer these questions for our children and our own peace of mind.

There are actually a few answers:

As Mr. Rogers suggests, look to the helpers.  Fortunately, the good people in the world are in the majority. Though this speaks to our outlook; having a good frame of mind isn’t enough.

We can make things better by influencing and insisting on the change that must happen such as: 

  • Fewer guns, better screening and a ban on semi-automatic weapons. 
  • The 113th Congress just started their session. Why didn’t the previous Congress do something, and why didn’t we?
  • See my blog post from July 2012 following the shooting in Aurora CO ‘Hugging your family is neither a strategy nor a solution.’ The concern is that 4 million member National Rifle Association will present strong opposition because they are a power lobby.  But if we believe in the power of numbers, it should comfort you to know there are 35 million parents in America.  Congress should be more afraid of parents then a gun lobby.  Make sure voice and vote are heard.
  • When writing Congress, insist on better care for mental health.  You will note that it isn’t even a subject choice on the drop down menu, so you will have to write that in the body of your message.

Finally, do your best to raise good people so that we always have a growing supply of helpers.

If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do matters very much. – Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

 

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

 

 

Posted in Resilience, Safety | No Comments »

It’s really great to be Santa

December 24th, 2012

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.  He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exists, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy.  Thank God! He lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay ten times ten thousand years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.  -Francis Pharcellus Church, in an Editorial in the New York Sun, Sept. 21, 1897, responding to a letter from 8-year old Virginia O’Hanlon

How amazing it is to be Santa! 

  • To only see the good in people have
  • To know what brings delight to someone because you listened carefully
  • To have a constant smile on your face
  • To take incredible pride in your work
  • To eat exactly what you want and still fit in your clothes

Here is hoping that you have a wonderful, memorable and safe Christmas!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Traditions | 2 Comments »

Why we all need to play

November 25th, 2012

 

 Do not keep children to their studies by compulsion but by play. – Plato, Greek philosopher 427–347 BC

 When given the chance, children love to play.  

I’m not talking about playing video games or handing your child your iPhone so you could shop sort of play, but the real old fashioned kind of play where children actually connect with each other.   The kind of play you did as a child. 

As you shop this holiday season, please think about more than the instant gratification of your child ripping off the wrapping paper, and think about the value that toy will bring as you play with your child.  It truly is relationship building to play with children and they learn so many of life lessons through play.

Here is my attempt at the ABC’s of play:                       

Play is…

Active, adventures & art

Bonding, busy & boundless

Captivating, collaborative, & creative

Divine, delicious & development 

Energizing, emotional & engaging

Fun, freedom & familiarity

Games, gizmos & glory

Honest, healing & hilarious

Imaginative, inventive & inquisitive

Joining, jolly & jumping

Kinetic, kindergarten & know-how

Laughter, loud & listening

Making mistakes, music & magic

Natural, nimble & nonsense

Open, obvious & optimistic

Physical, peace & positive

Quests, quality & quid pro quo

Resourceful, respectful & revealing

Silly, social & skill building

Timeless, tactile & teaches

Unpredictable, ubiquitous & universal

Valuable, virtuous, & vocal

Wonder, whimsical & work

Xmas 

Youthful & yearlong

Zealous

 

Have fun, and please feel free to add your comments on play.

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

 

 

 

Posted in Play | No Comments »

The Art of Appreciation

November 4th, 2012

It’s been said that every cloud has a silver lining. That is true even with a storm as devastating as Hurricane Sandy. 

Sometimes it takes a loss for us to appreciate what we already have and what is really important; the safety of those we love and the simple comforts of home. 

This past week, families with no electricity found light in the darkness. Calm from the storm came in the form of uninterrupted time and doing things together like playing board games, cards, reading or telling stories by candlelight.  The game of life took on a very real form.

Many spent their time giving what little they could to those worse off.  I suppose for many Thanksgiving came a little early. 

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.   -John F. Kennedy

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

 

Posted in Appreciation, Family, Gratitude, Relationships | 1 Comment »

Mom, you ought to be in pictures

October 13th, 2012

The air is crisp and the leaves will soon turn into the beautiful colors of fall. For me it’s time to plan our family holiday photo.

Parents with young children know the challenge is getting a photo where no one is squinting, looking away, or crying. My adult children have been asking for the past few years that we do away with our Christmas picture card sometime before their 40th birthday.

And they almost had me convinced.

That is until I read a terrific blog written by a mom who realized that although she took all the pictures, she wasn’t in them. While she was concerned about her own flaws, she realized as she looked at pictures of her own mom, she didn’t see flaws, but her mother’s face.

Parents, our pictures may not be perfect, but they are the moments we get to keep. If you are there to take the pictures, you can be in the pictures too.

After all, you are always beautiful to your children.

Have a wonderful week!

Tina Nocera, Founder
Parental Wisdom®

Posted in Memories | 2 Comments »

I actually left the house like this, we weren’t robbed

September 23rd, 2012

“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” -Confucius

You made a promise to yourself this wouldn’t happen again this school year.  But you aren’t certain the kitchen counter is even there anymore because it is covered with school notes, art work, party invitations, doctor appointment reminders, permission notes, picture forms, meeting and club notices, junk mail, newspapers, and bills buried somewhere in piles. 

And its dinnertime and you have no idea what dinner is going to be.  At our house, it got so bad that I would leave my husband a note in case he came home first.  “No, we weren’t robbed; I actually left the place like this.” 

I am not going to get all Martha Stewart on you because it’s difficult to get to that degree of organization, but it can be better and in your control.  It begins with simplicity.

Here are a few tips that might help:

  • When papers come in, they all go in one in-basket; go through them only one time.
    • Create file folders numbered 1 to 31 and separate folders labeled Jan to Dec.  If papers have date such as party invitations, doctor appointments, bills that are due, etc. they do in the respective monthly folder. 
    • If the due date is the current month, the papers are filed in the appropriate day folder; 1 to 31.  If you follow this process, you will never lose any papers.  
    • Art work can be placed in pizza boxes or rolled up in cardboard paper towel rolls. You can also add other folders such as gift ideas, receipts, or others that apply to you and your family.
  • Keys are always put in the same place, a key holder near the door.
  • Kids each get a place for shoes, sports gear and a basket with their name.  If needed, have another basket for the stuff they are responsible for.
      • They are in charge of emptying the baskets.  Nothing gets dumped on the floor.  For very young children, put their picture and name so they get started early and understand they are part of the household.
      • Book bags are on hooks, and when the weather gets cooler, so are coats.  Position the hooks low enough for the kids to reach them.
  • Purchase or create a mom calendar with a different spots for each family member.
  • Now for meals… Ask each family member to write down their favorite meal ideas; do this each season.   Little kids can participate if you show them pictures of healthy foods.

Since each family member contributes to the chaos, they should contribute to crafting a solution to better organization.  What ideas can you share?

Have a great week!

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

 

Posted in Healthy Lifestyle, Organization, Responsibility, School Age | No Comments »

Fireworks and the blue moon are both free

August 31st, 2012

Friday, August 31st was the start of a holiday weekend and my birthday. It was also a blue moon and the last time for free fireworks this season at Coney Island.

The fireworks lit up the sky and the blue moon cast a beautiful ribbon of light across the water, but both paled in comparison to the delight on the faces of everyone watching.

Our joy in life always comes from the little things and wisdom in recognizing what those things are. After all, to see ‘free’ fireworks or a blue moon, all you really have to do is look up.

Hoping your holiday weekend gives the opportunity to slow down and enjoy the beautiful world and people around you.

Tina Nocera, Founder
Parental Wisdom

Posted in Happy | 2 Comments »

Hugging your family is neither a strategy nor a solution

July 22nd, 2012

We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet. – Unknown

This past week I placed two consecutive online orders for graphics software.  The first order went through with no problem, but the second purchase required that I contact the credit card company to confirm that I was indeed the cardholder.  Both combined purchases were under $100.  Credit card companies use sophisticated algorithms and business intelligence to stop potentially fraudulent purchases.

But in the past 60 days, James Eagan Holmes bought more than 6,000 rounds of ammunition and four guns including an AR 15 assault rifle at gun shops and over the Internet. 

How is it that something as simple as a minor credit card purchase can raise immediate questions, while the purchase of that much ammunition and an assault rifle didn’t raise any red flags? 

Also this week, marked the passing of Dr. Steven R. Covey, author of the The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People®.  Habit #4 is win-win which sees life as a cooperative arena, not a competitive one. Win-win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Win-win means agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial and satisfying.

That comes into play when you think about our challenges with gun control; they don’t have to be win-lose. In win-lose Covey suggests, life becomes a sum-zero game.  I paraphrase the NRA when they say they don’t want to stop individual rights because, after all, you can’t stop crazy.

They are concerned about the slippery slope of individual rights protected under the 2nd amendment.  But in 1789 the founding fathers could not have  imagined why individuals would need semi-automatic weapons.  Can you?

Law abiding citizens open their bags at arenas and sporting events, turn on laptops at airports as they walk around in bare feet doing what they are told to ensure our safety.  And we are willing to do more to prevent such tragedies. 

One thing we can do is demonstrate to our children that we won’t accept the status quo and ‘it is what it is’ is never a good response.

What we can do right now is reach out to our elected officials and tell them that this can’t happen again.  Public service announcements tell us that if you see something, say something. 

To our public officials: can you hear us now?

Have a good week, especially because you can hug your children

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

 

Posted in Accountability, Healthy Lifestyle, Safety, Stress | 2 Comments »

No apology needed if you skip the behavior

June 24th, 2012

There were two incidents in the news that should cause us to stop and ask an important question; if we judge the degree of civilization of a society by the way it treats its weakest members, then how do we measure up?  

Those incidents involved the two weakest members in our society; the young and the old. 

The Young -The Sandusky trial ended this week with a conviction on 45 of 48 criminal counts related to the alleged assault of 10 boys over a 15-year period.  In an earlier blog, I wrote, Do We Need Laws to Protect our Children?  Sandusky will get life sentence; just like his victims.

The Old –Karen Klein was a bus lady mercilessly taunted by seventh grade boys. 

There was a public outcry on both issues; now come the public apologies.

When are we going to learn that it is better to stop bad behavior in its tracks? Why were there so many Sandusky victims?  What was legally done was not enough.  Were there no students on the bus that could stand up for the bus lady?

Between the young and old are the rest of us, and we are expected to do the right thing, right away.  

Tina Nocera, Founder

Parental Wisdom®

 

Posted in Accountability, Empathy, respect, Responsibility | No Comments »

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